Haunted
by stilljustme
Summary: Seen as Prequel to "You will be Mine" now - Jamie and Renzulli are called to what Renzulli would call a waste of time - Melissa Samuels. She's rich, she's lonely and she's frightened to death. Jamie tries to help the girl, but with being a rookie and spying for the FBI and being haunted by his own ghosts, life is not that easy. Not even for two clever Harvard kids.
1. Prolouge

_Hey there... this may be similar to my former story "It's up to you, New York, New York" which I just deleted. Sorry but it just didn't feel right anymore and I didn't see any way I could turn it into making sense. I still like the idea of the story, though – so this story, too, is situated in season one and will treat of Jamie handling his first months as a rookie and the mystery about Joe's death and Sydney being a pest, and I'll still keep writing it from two perspectives (except for the prologue, lol), just that neither will be an OC.  
So much for introduction, I hope I didn't scare away anybody by explaining too much. If you're still reading, you're awesome! Please don't stop and please tell me what you think about it!_

**Melissa**

He was there again. Or was it a he? It's so easy to think about a man as the bad guy, but for all I know – but I don't know anything! I don't know who it is, or why he – "he" again, Lord help me – does it. I don't know.  
All I know is that someone was in my house again. And it's worse than ever before. He's turned on the record player, and it's Rachmaninov. I haven't played Rachmaninov since my parents died.

I'm still standing in the hallway, and I know I won't be able to go in till the music's over. I can't, I just can't. Not now.

Tears fall down my cheeks, cold water on hot skin, burning from shame. I should be stronger than that. I lived through so much, I should really be stronger. Braver. I already lost my family, I can't lose my home, too. And I swear I'll never go back to that clinic. I'm a Samuels!

How could all of this happen?

It gets dark before I dare sit down on my own couch, in my own living room. It's quiet again, finally, and I can hear my breathing getting slower. Silence. In the first months after the plane crash I couldn't stand it because it reminded me so much of the deadly silence that answered my screams, but I've learnt to get over this by now.  
Silence means loneliness, and being lonely isn't the worst thing to be. Lately it's being with other people that scares me.  
So much that sometimes I don't dare leave the house, either.

You're going crazy. Face it, girl, you're going crazy. Nuts. Totally.  
I'm halfway on my way of phoning Alec, but then – I can't. He's done so much for me, he's the only one I have left. And he's doing so well at going on with his life. He's stronger than I am. I don't want him to know how messed up I am.

So what I'm supposed to do? Call the police? I've never did that before. I – I didn't dare. And why would they believe me? There's nothing but that feeling, except for the music, and you can't really call that an attack, can you? Why would they believe me? They'll be the first to tell me I'm nuts.  
And they've got more important things to do.

I'm gonna live through this alone. I can. I'm a Samuels, I'm gonna do this. I have to.


	2. Nuts

**Jamie  
**I was almost winning this round. Almost. Boxing was a good diversion after all those hours driving around in the car. I knew that being a cop would be hard in more than one ways, but I never thought of how wearying it can be to sit in a car for three hours, just circling around the outer streets and check the rich one's gardens. Though most of the times Renzulli manages to avoid those round, he can't do it always. So last week we stuck to our car most of the time, and having to write my report and stuff which still takes me far too long, I keep sitting for more than ten hours each day. That's worse than Harvard!  
Still, when Renzulli called me in that morning, I was relieved. As I said, I was _almost_ winning.

"C'mon, Harvard! Time to make yourself useful!"

As we got out of the car, Renzulli shook his head. "You know something? This is not gonna make it to the evening news!"  
I was confused. "How do you…"  
"We got calls like that every day. Sometimes it's old people who just want someone to talk to, sometimes it's crazy people, hey, it's New York!" He laughed, and my confusion grew. It's not likely for the searge to make fun of victims. Of Danny, yes, of taxi drivers even more and of me the most – but never before had I heard him speak like that about someone who called us. "Do you know her, searge?"  
"Unfortunately, I do." Renzulli sighed. "Her name's Melissa Samuels, poor old rich girl. Last year we got called here for nothing. I mean she's a nice girl but she's a bit… you know…" He rolled his eyes and I quickly nodded. I didn't want him to say it out loud on the street, that wouldn't help nobody. Renzulli grinned. "She said someone was in her apartment, moving around things… we never found anything. So…"  
I knew where he was leading to. "Seems like she's nuts", I offered quietly, and he laughed. "Maybe she is, maybe she's not. We'll see."  
As he knocked at the door I knew from his face that he had his mind settled already.

**Melissa  
**So much for I'm gonna through this alone.  
I called the police, for the third time in my life, actually. Though I know that the first time doesn't count – I was only four then, and I had lost my mom in the mall, and since I was too afraid of asking one of the shopkeepers to help me, I went outside to a phone booth and called 911. That was what my older brother Jake kept telling me to do in such cases.  
I don't remember the police officer's name – or whatever he was exactly – but I'll never forget his face. He had a very kind smile, and I remember thinking that surely he had kids himself. He lifted me up and carried me back to the mall where he called through all the shops so mom and Jake would know where I was, and then he stayed with me.  
But that was a lifetime ago. By now, my parents are dead, and I won't ever be really happy again, not only because of them but also because of the damn medication I can't live without anymore. As I open the door I wish I hadn't called the police, but I know that I can't fight against me home also. It's too much already.

**Jamie**  
As she opens the door, I'm stunned. I don't know what I imagined, but the girl's about my age, and she's quite pretty. Renzulli nods at her politely as she leads us in, obviously uncomfortable when seen on the street.  
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but pity her. Like what does it help you to be beautiful and rich when you are scared to go out of your house? Or rather stay in your house… whatever. We follow her into the living room, and she shows us something that for her is chaos, something about books and spoons that have been moved – I don't see anything wrong or messed up in here.  
Halfway I'm starting to take Renzulli's side, but there's something in her eyes that hook me. She doesn't do this to get attention or because she hates being alone. She just called us because she's scared to death, and she trusts us to help her. We owe her to take her serious.  
"So besides the books and the spoons, is there anything?" Renzulli has a hard time staying earnest as I ask her – and having him almost laughing doesn't really help me.  
I try to focus on her eyes, and I think that now I see a gleam of hope in them.  
"It's just a feeling", she says quietly, "like… everything is dirty, though you can't see it." She shakes her head. "Yesterday it was Rachmaninov. Playing when I came home, I mean." Her eyes grow even wider.  
Trying to calm her down, I look around and see a camera, but she says it doesn't work. Renzulli sighs and I know that his patience with Melissa's almost at an end. Obviously he doesn't believe her and her feelings.  
I try the last thing. "Who's got keys to your apartment?"  
"Nobody, I'm alone. Except for my housekeeper who comes twice a week, but she's very protective of me." She's always moving, always keeping the distance between us, as if even though she called us, she's afraid.

Renzulli's heard enough. "Listen, Miss", he says, not unfriendly, "we've got to get out patrolling.  
Melissa stops dead. "You don't believe me." It's not even a question anymore.  
The searge shrugs. "I have no reason not to believe you."

She backs away, then looks at me as if I was the last straw to clutch at. "He doesn't believe me." I swallow. I want to help her, really, I do – she looks like she's been through hell, and from the resignation in her voice I get it that nobody has listened to her for a long time, but – I can't. I can't right now. I turn around to the bookshelf she mentioned. The photo strikes familiar.

**Melissa**  
They're gonna go. I see it in the older's eyes, they don't believe me. And I can't even blame them cause I wouldn't believe it myself. I look at the younger one, but not for help. I know he can't help me, even though I think he really tried. He seems to care for me – maybe he doesn't believe me, but he wants to help. He wants to understand, and that's all I want, too, but – it won't work. I close my eyes, waiting for them to be gone.

**Jamie**  
"You've been to Harvard?" It's the only thing I can think of to keep us here. She opens her eyes and quickly nods. "Yes. Sixth generation of Samuels to go there."  
That's a start. "I was the first in my family", I say.  
She seems surprised. "And now you're a cop?"  
Oh yeah. That stuff. I wonder what comes next.  
"That's pretty cool… noble, actually." Melissa smiles, just a little, but it seems honest and I can't help but smiling, too. I never heard that reaction. And smiling suits her.  
Of course, Renzulli can't resist. Smiling mischievously, he says something about not trying to intervene with Harvard rituals and goes out, leaving the two of us alone. From the deep red that just coated her cheeks I know that she got the hint. I try to smile it off and look away but she holds my glance, and I somehow know that if I look away before she does, she'll never trust me again. So I keep smiling.

**Melissa**  
He believes me. That's the only thing I can think of. Yes I got the hint of the other officer, but it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter what he thinks about me. The young man right before me believes me, that's the only thing that matters.  
He's still smiling at me, looking at me and I smile, too. I don't dare to look away from him because in his eyes the world seems almost safe. Just for that moment, of course.  
So I keep smiling.


	3. Chasing memories

**Jamie  
**After what seems like an eternity Melissa looks away and laughs shyly. I join in, to hide my embarrassment mostly, but also because I realize I haven't laughed for a long time, even if it's for nothing. And Melissa seems to blossom out from it, for a second at least. When I move towards the door, though, her smile fades away.  
"Thank you", she says but I get it from her voice that she doesn't expect us to really care for her case. Somehow it hurts me she should think like that of me – which, I know, is a bad thing to feel for a cop. I need to get out of here before I get to emotionally connected to her. Not that she is the connecting type, though.  
I give her my number so she feels safer, but I don't ask for hers, and she's obviously not eager to give it to me.

Renzulli smirks as I leave the house. "So, got your Valentine's date, Harvard?"  
I know better than to say anything as I get into the car, and after a few moment of staring at me and waiting for a response, Renzulli starts the engine. He's still smirking, though. "You know I'd never say that girl is a liar. And even I can see she's a pretty little kid, and been to Harvard surely means a good thing – really, Reagan. It suits you to be all over intelligent, it's annoying sometimes, but it suits you!" He pauses as we get over a crossroad and I realize that this was just a compliment.  
"Thank you, searge. I think…"  
"I think, though, Harvard", Renzulli goes on, "that this girl just has it. Filled to the throat with money, and can't buy a proper alarm system? Or at least a camera? Come on. There's something not right in that family." He shakes his head with determination.  
"What family? I thought she said she lived here alone." I don't really care anymore. My mind's raced away, back to the news I found yesterday:

Lydia Gonsalves's dead. Defining: police record say she committed suicide. Defining: she ate her gun. Well, at least that's the term Renzulli used, and it's printed quite a picture into my mind. A picture that doesn't fit at all to the woman I met a couple of weeks ago.  
_"I loved the job, but my daughter needs a mother, not a dead cop."_ That's exactly what she said. I remembered it because it was the first time I thought about how hard it must be for Jack and Sean to have a detective as their father – apart from the fact that having Danny as father can't be easy, anyway. I tried to remember my own childhood concerning dad, then, but there was not much to find. We knew that he was a cop, and we adored him even more for it, and we loved listening to his stories – even Erin did. When I was very small we all dreamt of being a cop one day, and if it wasn't for mom, I'm pretty sure Erin would've tried at the academy, too. She'd be tough enough, no matter what Danny says.  
So we knew a lot about the police, but somehow we were never very afraid for dad to come home. I remember some three, four times when mom couldn't hide the tears, when we were all at loss for a while, not knowing where he was. But so far I was sure he'd come home. He was and still is our hero.  
But since I'd met Lydia, and then shortly after attending the funeral of Michelle Watson, and seeing her six-year old son trying to be brave… I couldn't imagine growing up without my dad, not even for a day. He's taught us everything, and we knew that no matter what we did, he would always love us.  
I don't want my children to suffer such a loss, either. Actually, I don't want anyone I love to suffer. That was the first time, actually, that I felt Sydney's got a point with all her anxiety.  
Now, of course, that problem solved itself. Sydney and I will never have children. Maybe it's better that way, to be all alone. In any case it's better to be alone now that I'm on my mission against the Blue Templars. Something's not right with Lydia's death. She loved her daughter, how could she leave her alone? Ever since Renzulli told me about the way she died, I keep seeing her when I close my eyes – a gun at her neck, led into her daughter's bedroom. Another gun pointed at the girl's head. And then the question: Do we really have to kill your family? You could have it so much easier.  
I know what I'd do if they were putting a gun at anyone of my family. At least I hope I'd be that brave then.

**Melissa  
**I try to go outside shortly after the cops leave, but it doesn't work too well. I'm too scared of hearing Rachmaninov again. So I stay inside and watch the car leaving and hate myself for being the coward that I am. I should be so much stronger by now. I shouldn't be calling the cops for things like that. I shouldn't need those medics I just swallow.

I shouldn't be here. I look into the mirror and hate what I see. I shouldn't be here. In this house. In New York. Alive. I should be with my family, crashed down in that plane… no matter how often I think about it, it doesn't make sense. Why should I survive?

Sometimes I think it's their ghosts haunting me. And I couldn't even blame them, it's just – I'm a Samuels. I'm the sixth generation of my family to go to Harvard and study history. And art, my innovation if you like. I know so much about how the world used to go around, but I don't know nothing about how it goes today.

When I got out of the clinic Alec offered me to live with him. He's got a house in Philadelphia, more than big enough for him and his wife, he said. Clarice. Maybe if it wasn't for her, I'd said yes. She was the first person to show me how wrong I am – wrong in this world, that is. Alec met her shortly before the plane crash, he was staying with her when we flew away. To never come back.  
I've felt it all along since then. I don't belong here anymore. Clarice was the first one to put in words. She said I wouldn't be good for Alec, for her, for the children they once would have. She never wanted me there, and I agreed. I don't belong in a happy family. Or to people anyway, I lerarned that at last. That's why I keep to making pictures. I don't trust people anymore, and I'm just bringing bad luck. Or so Clarice said. Maybe it's true.

So with all I know I should be happy that the two cops have left, and that they very likely won't come back.

But I'm not. It's as if the day's got even darker now that they're gone. Now that the younger one's gone. I still hold the card with his number on it, as if it could keep me safe. I don't even know his first name, though, or if the number's working at all. Surely he's seen I'm a lost case, or the other one told him. That's fine.

Just that for the first time in three years, I wish I could change the opinion people have of me. I wish I could tell him that I'm not crazy. I wish I wouldn't be crazy.

The hours fly by in a mist, I stopped counting the minutes I just stare at my books, at the photo of Harvard. I want to go out. I want to take photos of the city I live in, of the people that live around me. I want to take a picture of their smiles to remind me what people usually live for.

I want to see his smile again.


	4. Call me maybe

_Thanks for still bearing with me and my…let's call it experiments concerning Jamie and the first-person-narrator. To be honest I don't know yet where this story will head to (I've got the very last scene in my mind, but don't ask me how I get there), I just know by now that it's actually great fun writing it, and since it's not containing an OC that was going to be a Mary Sue, I hope I'll get it right this time. Anyway, I need any critics I can get so please, please tell me what you think! Thanks_

**Jamie  
**We're having dinner together again, celebrating Mom's birthday. Though we try to keep the conversation light-headed, there's always a moment when we all become silent. The first time we sat together like this I didn't dare meeting any eyes, afraid of what I might see in them, and afraid that they might see the tears in my eyes. Then I was ashamed of being ashamed of crying for my mother, and I looked up straight into Erin's eyes. She was crying, too, but I think seeing me in tears comforted her in some way, it surely did comfort me. We then both brought up the courage to look at dad. They had been married for thirty-four years, and though they fought sometimes we were sure that they were meant to be. My mom was a cop's wife and two cop's mother, and daughter in law to a cop. That's hard work, I guess, and once she couldn't stand it anymore. When Danny got into hospital with acute appendicitis at four, with Erin being two and Joe almost one, and Dad told her he couldn't help her, she almost left. Later on dad said that he'd understand it if she'd go, that he just wanted her to be happy and how sorry he was that he couldn't give her all that she deserved. And she stayed.

That's the only story about my mom that grandpa ever told me. I sometimes wonder how the two of them got along earlier, I don't know where he was in that particular episode of life. As long as I can remember grandpa always respected mom. Even more since in the end it was her who decided that he should move to her and dad after his wife died. Apart from being my mom which makes her one of the most important people in my life, I know that she was a wonderful person in the eyes of others, too.

It's this kind of situation we're in now, shyly checking the other's faces for tears, shyly waiting to speak again. This year I don't cry. I just think that I'm grateful that mom didn't have to live through the worst thing that can happen to parents: she didn't see her own child die. That's all on dad. The longer I'm in New York again, the more I'm worried about him. I just want to make him proud of me, I want him to know that he doesn't need to worry about me.  
I can't tell him about agent Anderson and the Templars.

It's this kind of situation we're in, this emotional silence.  
Then my phone starts ringing.

_Speaking of the Templars_. I dare not look into my father's eyes, again, as I stammer an excuse and quickly leave the dinner table. Danny calls after me, but I don't understand it. Not that I didn't feel guilty about leaving, I do, but I can't have Anderson calling me in front of my family. And I can't not take the call because it could help me find Joe's killer. And I don't really trust Anderson. She's one of those women you don't want to have in your back.

"What do you want?" I ask briskly.  
On the other end I hear a breath taken in sharply.  
"Agent Anderson?"  
"Uhm… no, I'm… I'm sorry, I…" The voice is very gentle and frightened, as if she wasn't sure if she could trust herself, or anybody.  
"Melissa?"  
I haven't thought about her since the morning, not even when I drove through her street on my way home.  
"Yes, it's me. I'm… sorry I called you, I didn't want to disturb you or anything, I just thought that…" Though I just saw her once I can imagine her perfectly, leaning against the big window in the living room, turned half to the door so nobody could shock her. I know her big brown eyes must be open and staring into nothing as she thinks for what to say. After half a minute in silence, however, I get impatient.  
"Is there anything wrong with your home again?"  
"No, it's not." She sighs.  
"Okay, then I…"  
"I was just wondering if the number you gave me really worked", she suddenly says, and I get it that it was this answer she tried to avoid.  
"Why shouldn't it work?" Though honestly I feel ashamed as I ask this – I did take her seriously, but then I totally forgot about her. No wonder she doesn't trust the police.  
"Just cause." Her voice is short-cut now, I hope it's from embarrassment and not because she's hurt or something.  
"Okay, so now that you it does work, you know you can trust me, right? You can call me whenever you think something's wrong, and I'll try to sort it out. Is that…"  
"I didn't call you to make fun of you!"  
"I know." Talking to that girl is straining. I'm half on hanging up on her, but I decide not to. How should she learn to trust people if it wasn't for us?  
"How you're feeling?" I ask casually.  
"Not too bad, thank you. Just afraid of losing my mind as always."  
"How do you mean that?"  
Again there's a pause on the other end of the line, and then she speaks again: "Thank you for answering, Officer. I'm really glad you were here today. Have a nice day tomorrow, and take care."  
Great. Now it's her hanging up on me.

I'm too confused to be really angry at Melissa. And I can't help but starting to go Renzulli's way. She needs help. More than I could offer her, I'm afraid.

Anyway she's not my case anymore.  
I get back to the dinner room, afraid of what's awaiting me there. But I needn't be worried. Dad and grandpa are gone, the mood has changed completely, everyone's laughing. I'm relieved.

Till Danny looks at me.

"Hey kid, what's her name?" At once, Nicky followes him: "A girl? Uncle Jamie, you're having a girlfriend?" At this I notice Erin's head going up beside me. She pulls my chair back so I can sit again, her expression sweet as honey. If she wanted, she could win every process she cared to fight in.  
"No" I say firmly, hoping that my firm negation is enough to keep rumors down.

Danny smirks. "So not a girflfriend yet. But a colleague? Or is it one of Erin's secretaries?" Erin laughs. "I can tell you, they wouldn't say no if you came wearing your uniform." She looks at me with that soft glance that she got after Nicky was born. It's then that I realize that in some ways, Erin has become not only my sister but also a kind of mother. I love and adore Danny, for how brave he is and how loyal and strong and for his love for us, but when it comes down to important questions I always turn to Erin. Because I know that she sees things different than I do, but is able to compare both perspectives, and because even though she wasn't happy with my decision to be a cop either, she accepted it.  
Danny still struggles to get it into his head that I'm a police officer now, too.

"It's not like that" I say, and then, without thinking, "I gave my number to a girl this morning. She thought someone was hiding in her house, rearranging things. We didn't find anything and Renzulli thinks she's crazy so… the least thing I could think of to help was giving her a chance to call me. Just in case there's more to her story." I sigh. "So far though, I don't see anything."

"You did what?" I close my eyes, knowing the tone. What did I do wrong now? As I reopen my eyes, Danny's face is just millimeters away from mine. "You gave your personal phone number to a victim? To a girl that obviously doesn't have both oars in the water?" I haven't seen him that furious in a long time.  
"What do you think you're doing here, Harvard boy, saving the world by listening to the crazies? You ever heard of bugs or triangulate positions via cell phones?"  
"She's not like…"  
"Of course she isn't! Cause she's such a nice girl and she's all alone so nobody would hear you scream!"  
"Danny…" Linda gently puts a hand on Danny's arm, causing him to stop shouting. I swallow. Will it ever end? Will Danny ever be satisfied with me?

"You better be careful." I can see how hard it is for Danny to stay calm, but with Linda and Erin right beside him, he doesn't really have a chance. His eyes, however, are still wild.  
"You better be careful", he says again and this time I hear the cracking in his voice. Linda lets go of him and Erin closes her eyes. She gently rubs his arm and then looks at me sternly.

I swallow. Somehow I guess we all know what's coming now, it's what dad told me in my first week: _Danny couldn't handle losing another brother._

I don't know if it's mom or Joe around us, or both, or if it'd nothing but us. I don't care. Like Erin I hold my breath, feeling I'm so close to hear it, those precious words I'm longing to hear from Danny for as long as I remember.

Danny takes a quick glance around, takes in all the solemnity and – breaks it.  
"You'll go there tomorrow, and you'll take that phone and delete your number out of it. I'll call your sergeant."  
"Danny!" Erin cries and hits him, but he doesn't react. I'm shocked, but manage to nod.  
"And then you never, never get emotionally involved in a case again!"

"But I wasn't…"  
"Giving your number to a witness means emotional involvement! And it's either gonna kill you or her, or both of you!" With that he storms off.

Jack and Sean, both tears in their eyes, stand up and walk over to Linda who bows down and hugs them fiercely, burying her face in their hair so we wouldn't see the worry. Erin and I look at each other, none of us understanding a thing.

It's Nicky who puts it into words, shyly, just as Melissa did: "I thought it was a victim, not a witness?"

"It was", Erin says without looking at her. "Linda?"  
Linda shakes her head. "I don't know", she says calmly, "we've never talked about the times he lost somebody. For those things he's got Jackie, I've always accepted that." Then she closes her eyes. Erin walks over to her and gently puts an arm around her shoulders.

"I'll better go looking for him", I say, more to get out of here than to actually find my brother. I guess he won't be found when he doesn't want to.

As I walk over to my car, however, I see a light over at the cemetery, in the third row. Our row.  
Maybe he wants to be found.


	5. On the other end of the line

_**A very short and quickly-scribbled one… just so you know what Melissa's doing while Jamie goes into little-brother-mode. Next chapter will contain both perspectives again.**_

**Melissa  
**What am I doing here? What do I want to prove with this?  
"What do you want?" His voice is sharp and I immediately regret what I've done.  
"Agent Anderson?"  
There's relief flooding through me for a moment, relief that it's not me in the first place to upset him so. Anyway, I might be the next one. And I still don't know his name.  
"Uhm…no, I'm…I'm sorry, I…" What am I doing here?  
"Melissa?" He sounds different now, worried but not angry at all and I can't help but small through all the embarrassment.  
"Yes, it's me. I'm… sorry I called you, I didn't want to disturb you or anything, I just thought that…"**  
**I'm leaning against the big window in the living room, turned half to the door so nobody could attack me from behind. The cell is shaking in my hand as I desperately think of what to say. Something that won't make him hang up on me, if possible.  
The truth maybe? But what is the truth? That I felt safer today with a total stranger beside me then when I was alone? That doesn't make sense. It's stupid. And just because he gave me his number doesn't mean I can really call him. It's his job to act as if he cares, and maybe he even did right then when he saw me, but I'm only one of his cases. Surely he's been out for the rest of the day, saving other people. People who deserve to be saved.  
"Is there anything wrong with your home again?" So he really remembers. And I still don't know what to say.  
"No, it's not." I close my eyes. He will hang up on me, and for reasons I don't see I dread the moment when I don't hear his voice again. This is crazy.  
"Okay, then I…"  
"I was just wondering if the number you gave me really worked" I interrupt him, just to keep him in the line.  
"Why shouldn't it work?" He says it so innocently – as if he never was betrayed before. A part of me shudders at this naivety. How can you trust the world? I did and everything broke down. I don't anymore and… and everything's still in ruins. I miss my family.  
"Just cause" I say shortly, because this is too embarrassing, and because the memory of my parents just brought tears in my eyes. I don't want him to hear me crying, damn it, I'm still a Samuels!  
For all that it's worth.  
"Okay, so now that you know it does work, you know you can trust me, right? You can call me whenever you think something's wrong, and I'll try to sort it out. Is that…"  
"I didn't call you to make fun of you!" I blurt it out again, tears running down my cheeks now, but it's not only because of my parents. It's because this stranger does make me feel safe. For the first time in years I think I might start trusting people. Him at least. I should tell Alec about it, tell him that I'm finally progressing. Tell him that I've learnt to believe in people again – though they surely don't believe in me.  
I shiver at the thought of what he might think of me now, and all confidence is gone.  
"I know." His voice is very gentle and soothing, and I get it: He thinks I'm nuts, too. I've lost. Drained I sit down on the floor, leaning against the cold window.  
"How you're feeling?"  
I bite my lips. I wish he'd ask that for real interest, I so wish it, but it's his job. I can't see too much in this.  
"Not too bad, thank you. Just afraid of losing my mind as always."  
"How do you mean that?"  
I almost smash the cell down at this. I don't want him to be like a doctor or a teacher, I'm not a child anymore! And I'm not crazy! I'm just… I'm just a coward. And a useless one.  
"Thank you for answering, Officer. I'm really glad you were here today. Have a nice day tomorrow, and take care." It's all I can say. It seems like being nuts is the only way to keep him in my life.

It's crazy and I know it, and I know that it won't lead to anything, and I'm not ready either way. But as I go to bed at night, finally, there's still that picture of his smile in my mind. And when I close my eyes I can hear his voice.

It's too stupid to be true, I warn myself. And it won't lead anywhere, because it was only one moment, and I'm mad in his eyes and he went to Harvard as well so he knows what he's worth, and I don't even know his name, but –

But I fell in love today.


	6. Emotionally involved

_Alright…here's only Jamie once again, to finish the night. Next chapter will contain both of them, I promise! Thank you for reading and reviewing, I'm soo happy you like it! _

**Jamie  
**Danny's sitting in the grass right in front of Joe's grave, a bottle of beer in his hand. I hadn't noticed he had it when he left. A second bottle lies next to him.  
"Not for you, kid" he says without looking at me. "Beer's only for the dead." And with this he raises the bottle towards Joe's stone and turns it around. I know I mustn't speak till the last drop has vanished in the mud.  
Danny's eyes get teary as he stares at what's left from our brother. I swallow, feeling my eyes getting wet also. It's too near, still, after all this time. This… having the three of us together again, but in that way… it hurts. I sit down next to Danny, the other bottle between us. As I look at him I feel both – sadness that we're the ones left, and relief – that at least we're left. That I still have Danny, and that I know deep inside he'll always be there for me. No matter what he says, no matter how often I'll disappoint him, I know he'll be there.

The thought of Melissa strikes me, being all alone in that big house. I wonder what happened to her family. Sure she can't be all alone in the world? I try to remember the living room, if there are any pictures… there was a photo in black and white, showing a marriage. Her parents', I guess. And next to it was Harvard. And then… a picture of what must have been her and a boy approximately her age, but years ago.  
I shudder. What would I do without my family?

"it's dangerous out there, kid." Danny looks at me briefly, but as soon as I get to look at him he turns back to Joe. "I know you think you already know that, but you don't. You don't till it gets you, and then you're stuck in an alley in the middle of nowhere, no backup, just you and the guy you're chasing, and then he pulls out something and…"  
"…and maybe it's a cell phone, maybe it's not." I can't help but let my annoyance sound through my voice. Danny glares at me and shakes his head, then stares back at Joe.  
"Come on, Danny, you've told me this story about a hundred times. I know. I know that I don't know, I know it, okay?" I hate myself for getting loud. I hate fighting with Danny.  
He chuckles. "Sounds pretty crazy, you know that? Typical Harvard."  
I open my mouth to snap back about education being a good thing when I realize that this time, "Harvard" wasn't meant insulting.  
"Was that a compliment?"  
"Was what a compliment?" Danny's smile grows wider. He shakes his head, smiling but almost uncertain, and then after a moment of doubting, he pats me on the shoulder. "Maybe, kid."

I feel my face getting hot and red all over and I don't know what to say. I can't remember the last time Danny told me I was doing good – whatever it was. And now he does, just when I'm about to pick the quarrel we've been going towards for the past few weeks. I don't know if this makes me feel guilty or angry again. I know that the confrontation will come one day. Something's wrong, something's standing between us ever since I graduated from the academy. I hoped it would get better, at least after Sydney left me – I know Danny never really took to her.  
But it's still there, and it makes me miss Joe even more. He always got through – to Danny as well as to me. He was the one even Dad turned to when we fought, for Joe was able to understand both of us and find a way to bring us together again.

"Jamie?" Danny looks at me closely. He picks up the second bottle and hands it over to me. "Take it." I shake my head but he grabs over and takes my hand, holding it in a tight grip as he places the bottle into it. His gaze is very intense, and I know that this is the closest to an excuse I will get this night. Though I don't see any sense in drowning the grass in front of Joe's grave with beer, I open the bottle and pour it out. For Danny.  
When the bottle is empty he nods absently. I know his mind is far away, with the mysterious woman perhaps he talked about before. Maybe I was pouring out the beer for her.

"Danny?"  
"Yes, kid?"  
I take a deep breath. I don't want to start it all over again, not here. But I have to know what happened then, I have to know how the girl died – for I'm pretty sure she did. Again I think of Melissa. There was a look of self-contempt in her eyes when she talked to Renzulli – as if she thought of herself as even littler than he seemed to do. Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve to be saved, that would explain her not believing the number was real.  
I shake my head, realizing that maybe I didn't help her at all. It hurts to think she should feel all alone and deserted, and that I couldn't help her, despite the bond Harvard seemed to create. Maybe Renzulli was right and she needs some professional help.

"Hey kid, you've fallen asleep?" Danny's come back to reality.  
I try to choose my words carefully. "I was wondering about what you said… earlier. About getting personally involved in a case. I mean… with all we see every day… I'm supposed to help people, how can I do not get to think about their cases? I…"  
"Just don't do it." Danny's face is a mask now. "You start trying to get into one victim's head you end up living in all of them. Helping people is our job. We don't do help them because we want to be heroes, we do it because that's what we get paid for." He stands up.  
I follow him. "Danny, that's…"  
"What, you think I'm talking crap? Sorry kid, but that's it. We've got a job to do. You stay at a professional distance or you're going under. People will stop respecting you. They'll stop listening to you, they'll stop listening to what we stand for." His pace quickens and I almost have to run to keep up with him.  
Once again I feel like the bluest rookie on the block, stupid and helpless, and knowing that he still can make me feel this way only worsens my mood. Why do I still let him get to me like that? I'm not a child anymore.

As we get back Linda and the boys are already waiting at the car. I nod towards them as I head to the house to say goodbye to dad and grandpa.  
"Jamie!"  
I let my hand rest on the doorknob. "What is it, Danny?"  
"Look at me, kid." I'm surprised to hear the softness in his voice and turn around, trying not to show my feelings. As I see the concern on Danny's face, however, I can't help but mimicking his expression. "What is it?" I ask again, calmer now. After all, Danny's my big brother. I know him for more than twenty-six years, and all this time he's been looking out for me, watching over me. It's the least I can do to bear with him and accept him – if he can't be as he is with his family, with whom else? He's the only brother I've left.  
"Listen…" Danny sighs. "I'm… kid, just be careful, okay? I don't want you to get into trouble. You're a Reagan, right? And…" He swallows.  
"And I can't lose you, too, Jamie. Watch out."


	7. Second look

_Alright…this is me trying hopelessly to get two people to talk to each other and let some sparks flying between them. It took me five hours to finish this chapter and… no, I'm not happy about it. But I would be grateful for any advice in this!_

**Jamie  
**I've decided to check up on Melissa again. Not for actually saying much, since she hasn't called again, and I'm pretty sure Renzulli won't like the idea, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something more to it. Something I could do for her.  
As I ask the searge, however, he frowns and kills the engine he just started. "No. We can't."  
"But why? See, we wouldn't have to go in. It's just…"  
"Reagan, did I say maybe? Did I say it's you to decide?" Renzulli doesn't care to banish his anger from his voice, and I know better than asking again.  
He starts the car again. "You should be grateful I haven't claimed your cell yet."

_Danny_. I can't believe he really called Rezulli for that.  
"Searge, Im sorry, I hoped he wouldn't…"  
"You hoped he wouldn't step right into other's business? He's Danny Reagan, of course he would! And since you're the only brother he's left, I've gotta say I understand him." For a moment Renzulli's face darkens, both at the fact that he just agreed with Danny and at the remembrance of Joe's death. It gets cold and silent in the car.  
"I'm sorry. Really."  
"It wasn't you." I hope he gets it that I'm not talking about the situation now, but then. Renzulli was Joe's TO, and I remember him well as I saw him at the funeral, lost and filled with so much guilt that I had to turn away not to collapse right where I stood. A man can only stand a certain amount of pain, and his added to mine and my family's was just more than I would have been able to bear. But I also remember Dad walking over to him that day, thanking him for what he'd done for Joe, and I knew he meant it seriously. Renzulli might not be the hippest guy around, but he's a good cop, and he cares for people – more than he lets on, I've come to realize.  
So it's even more a shame that Danny tries to uses him to control me.

"Anyway, I need to ask you this." Renzulli's voice has got professional again and I feel myself straighten up automatically.  
"Did you already delete …uhm that Samuels girl's number?" He hasn't even remembered her first name, not even from right now when I asked him to go back.

"Not yet, searge. I don't really see the point in that."  
Renzulli sighs. "The point is, it's no difference. Just that if you don't do it, your brother will be an even bigger pain in your ass than usual. Which is your problem if you want to bear it, but mine if he decides to force me to go babysitting again." Renzulli snorts. "She's still got your number, doesn't she?"  
"I guess so." After a moment I realized what he just said and have to grin. "It doesn't make any sense to delete her if she doesn't delete me!"  
"Got my point, Harvard." Renzulli frowns, then quickly pulls over to a parking lot. "Seems it's your lucky day today!" He points to a bakery and I have to look very closely what he's talking about.  
"Go on! I want a coffee, no sugar, no milk, and some roll. Not stuffed with chocolate. You've got ten minutes and I'll be watching you." He smirks. "Go ahead! Valentine's Day's near."

I shake my head as I get out of the car. Melissa's three customers ahead in the queue. It's a good sign, I guess, to see that she's not afraid of being out and under people.

**Melissa  
**When I wake up I make the same promise as everyday: to get up and get out and to not fear the world. And like everyday I'm regretting that promise as soon as I see my face in the bathroom window. I try to tell myself that this day's different, that I've got someone to look for now when I'm on the street. But as much as I hope to see him again, I wouldn't know what to say.

This is driving me crazy. The whole thing is just… I'm afraid. As always. I'm afraid of going out, I'm afraid of staying here, I guess I'm more afraid now than ever.

And the reason why I feel so insecure now is that yesterday I felt safe. I still remember the warmth of that moment, that feeling that everything was going to be okay - when he smiled at me after the other cop had left. He looked at me as if I was…precious in a way.  
I know this is egoistical and… wrong and… but I want this feeling again. I want it so badly.  
I leave my house direction downtown, which I haven't dared to do for three weeks. Ever since Rachmaninov started to play I haven't been farther away than two blocks. And now I don't really know what to do outside, once realizing that I forgot my camera at home. This is so embarrassing. I've got to do something normal, something to tell me that I'm still a part of this world. New York's a beautiful city, isn't it? I can't say it right now. It's like every place is dirty right now, not only in my house but everywhere. There's so many shadows that I can't see the light that casts them.

I keep walking, eyes on the floor. That way I wouldn't even see him if he was walking towards me. Which is bad, since that was the idea behind going out at all, wasn't it?

Coffee. I automatically turn to the right as the smell gets to me. I used to work in the cafeteria on campus in Harvard, I've drunk more coffee than water in times of exams. I stopped drinking it, however, when I was in therapy. They told me caffeine was bad for me and after a while I stopped arguing over withdrawal symptoms.

Please let this be a sign. I turn around, forced to look up and take in my surroundings now that I cross the streets. It could be beautiful I guess.

There's a queue lining up for the small coffee-to-go right in front of the museum of arts. It is a sign, it has to be.

"Hey!"  
I swear my heart stops beating for a moment. I feel dizzy, and for a very frightful moment i don't know what to say, and the silence gets longer and longer and lasts a decade, and as I turn around I halfway expect him to be gone by now.  
But he isn't. "Hey" I say, feeling the corners of my lips pulling upwards.

**Jamie  
**"Hey." She smiles at me and I can't help but smile, too. At least she's not angry with me.  
For a moment we're both quiet, and it's the same awkward silence like yesterday. We keep looking at each other till we both start to laugh.  
"Coffee break already?" she asks eventually. "Isn't it a bit early for that?" At my not answering straight away she takes a step back, blushing, and the hint of fear I saw in her eyes yesterday glows up again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to insult you, I…"  
"No, no you didn't!" I smile at her again and automatically take a step towards her, trying to keep her with me. "I just…"  
"I'm sorry for yesterday" she says quietly, not meeting my eyes anymore. "I really shouldn't have called you, officer." She musters up the courage to look at me.

**Melissa**  
I look at him, mentally preparing to say goodbye. So much for not fearing the world. I can't do it, I can't be here talking to him as if I was normal, I can't pretend to be a normal girl talking to a normal guy. Okay, he's not normal. He's a cop, a cop that went to Harvard and the abandoned the chance of getting wealthy for helping people, and he's risking his life for us every day. And he's got a kindness in his eyes that I only saw once – with the detective that brought me back to my family years ago. Before the world went mad. I wonder what he's seen already, and how he got through it and still is out there, how brave he must be to fight for the good when surely confronted with the evil everyday. I want to be with him, I want to be like him – but I can't. I'm not the only one living in New York, I'm not the only one needing him.  
This can't happen again. In this moment I don't feel safe as he looks at me, I feel like a deer waiting to be killed. And so be it, then. Better go home and get killed than stay here and get on his nerves, as I'm sure I do.

"Melissa?" His voice is very gentle. "Is everything okay?" Only then I realize I'm crying. I guess I've never hated myself so much as I do right now.  
"Yeah, thank you. I'm fine." I take him in once again, his firm body, his arms bent just a little, as if he'd catch me when I fall. Hold me, I want to say, don't let me run away, don't let me go down, just hold me! Save me.  
Looking into his eyes I feel safe now once again. I've never seen eyes that beautiful, and they're showing so much. Concern. Even sadness, and that is something I don't want him to feel.  
"How about you?" My voice echoes the confusion in my head, and he pulls back and shrugs again, like he did when I asked him about the coffee break. Just that this time I have no time to feel stupid and useless anymore. It's all I can do not to touch his cheek, and I try to hide my concern under cynicism as I say "Officer, I've been a wreck for two years now. I know how "okay" looks like, and you're not."

I take a deep breath. Right now I couldn't say where this new power comes from, but I suddenly know that I won't go home and wait for death to come. Not now. Not as long as I see the sadness in his eyes, not as long as he suffers. Maybe this is crazy, maybe I'm the last person that should be with him right now. It's none of my business what's bothering him, I'm nothing to him, and I can't even take care of myself – but I swear I will do anything he needs me to do, anything to take care of him.

**Jamie**  
For a moment I don't breathe. I don't know what it was that made Melissa's world just change upside down, but changed it is. There's a fire in her eyes, a strength and firmness to her features that I haven't seen before, it's so different to the girl I just greeted. I think right now I'm seeing Melissa the way she's meant to be, the way she was before the stalker and whatever else started to make her life hell. The way she will be again, I swear. I will do everything to make sure she'll get back to the woman she is right now. No matter what Danny'll think of it.  
"It's Jamie" I say, and though her glance gets a bit confused now the strength hasn't gone yet. "My name's Jamie, and I gave you that number so you would use it." I swallow. "I don't know yet how to help you, but I do believe you and I will do anything I can to make sure you'll be okay, alright?"  
Her smile radiates out over the place. "You already do. Thank you. Jamie." She hesitates at my name, and then looks down for a moment.  
"Melissa?" I'm afraid she's lost her courage again, but as she looks up I can see it's still there.  
"Is there anything I could do to stop you looking so sad?" Only her voice shows how scared she still is, as if she was asking too much, when actually she's the one offering me.  
I smile again – it seems to become a habit with Melissa, I just hope that it works.  
"I… I just…" Now it's me to look down. "Sorry, I…"

**Melissa**  
"It's okay, forget it."  
"No!" He grabs for my hand, as if afraid I might leave. I can see even more sadness in his eyes now, and it hurts to see him like this.  
"It's okay, Jamie" I say again, and I mean it. I want him to be better, but I don't care who it is to help him. I just need him to be okay.  
"It's only… my sergeant's waiting over there and I… can I call you later?"  
"Uh… sure." I should really stop smiling. "Of course, I've got nothing to do. Actually." Which makes me feel ashamed suddenly. He – Jamie – spends all his time helping people. What can I say about my being social?  
That almost makes me laugh. Me. Social. I'v got a stalker, remember? I'm supposed to be nuts!  
"I will, Melissa. I promise I will." His eyes are looking right down into my heart, and there's a seriousness in them I can hold on to.  
"I know you will" I hear myself say.

**Jamie  
**I see her walking away and wonder what the hell I'm going to tell her. Now she's left I realize just what I've done, and how Danny's gonna kill me for it. Maybe this was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have encouraged her. But I can't see her only as victim anymore. I get back to Renzulli with his coffee and his roll, stuffed with marzipan, hoping I didn't get over my ten minutes. I couldn't say how long I've just stood there staring at Melissa.  
Renzulli says nothing as he takes his breakfast, and he keeps that silence as we start our tour again. It's not until we pass Brooklyn Bridge that he sighs. "You've got a talent, Reagan."  
I stare at him. "Excuse me?"  
"You're with me now? I said you got a talent! A talent for broken people, and an even bigger talent to get yourself into trouble!" I shrug. He can't know I told her my first name, so hopefully this is just the end of his speech from before.  
"Don't do that!"  
"Do what?"  
"Don't shrug me off like that, Harvard!" But he doesn't sound that angry anymore. "Listen, I won't tell your brother, I'm not a traitor and I'm not his little servant – tell him that by the way. But the thing is…" He looks at me very closely to make sure I listen to him.  
"What you're doing right now? That's nothing new. We got a word for it, it's called transforming an on-duty contact into a off-duty relationship, and there's a reason we're not supposed to do it."  
"I didn't…"  
"Don't lie to me, Reagan! You may not tell me everything, but don't you ever lie to me! Now I know what I saw, and that was you being fairly close to a pretty girl who you don't really know, and who's clearly fallen for you. And who has a stalker problem in the first place. That's not good."  
"So you agree with the danger being real?"  
Renzulli sighs. "Danger? No." He sighs again. "But there might be something to it. And if you wanna take the case as seriously as if we had anything more than a frightened girl's mind, so be it. But you're not gonna handle this on your own, you hear me? No talking to that woman without me. Deal?"  
I nod. "Deal. Thank you, searge."  
"Never mind." He tries to hide a smile, but it doesn't work.  
"Your brother's gonna kill us for that!"

Somehow this isn't half as funny to me as to him.


	8. Not quite right

**Melissa  
**As I come home, nothing has changed. And for a very short moment, I'm almost disappointed about it. A very short moment, though, and then I'm relieved to be home again, in my home, and that I can feel safe…  
…just that I've been safer today. I force myself to stay calm and put my cell on the table. It's hard not to look at it every minute. I file through my pictures instead, thinking about getting some of them printed at least.

He's on it. Jamie's on one of my photos, at the right side, almost out of the picture. Next to him is a man he seems to know from the smile on both their faces, opposite to the man behind them. He looks as if he's ready to kill somebody.  
I quickly try to locate the picture, it's somewhere between Brooklyn Bridge and Chinatown, I guess. I check if I know somebody else on the picture, but truth is I don't really care anymore. There's a woman watching the guy with daggers in his eyes that kind of strikes familiar, but I'm not sure. Could be anyone. And I couldn't care less.  
There it is, my beloved smile. Jamie's smile. I can't help but smiling back at it. Maybe I should print it out and…

The doorbell breaks up my smile and shoves me back into cold reality. My breath gets stuck in my throat and I try to swallow it down as I fumble for the keys. They're lying right beside my quiet cell. No call. I've got to be strong now. Whoever it is out there, I mustn't be scared of him just because he wants to talk to me. There's no need to get paranoid, I've got enough real problems here.  
Alright that's not making me feel better. I hold the keys in my hand like a knife as I slowly sneak to the door and look through the spyhole.

God I'm stupid.  
It's Jamie.  
I shake with laughter immediately, at both myself for being such a coward and at him for – for simply being here, I guess. He's here. Okay, he will be here with me as soon as I manage to open the door. I try to keep an earnest face as I unlock the door. Grinning like crazy is never a good start, and I've watched myself dozens of times every morning – I do grin like crazy. And I don't wanna be crazy anymore.

He's here. He's really come to visit me. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach dancing in a whirlwind, almost making me fly with them.  
"Hey" I say as I open the door and then

Then I see the sergeant approaching right behind him.  
God I'm stupid. He's not here for _me_.  
From one second to the other I feel the butterflies die and fall down and becoming bile that rises in my throat. I'm shivering, but I don't know if it's hot or cold around me. Doesn't matter.  
"Hey" I croak again as I step aside so Jamie can get in. I avoid his glance, I don't want to see the pity in it. I don't need him. I'm a Samuels. I don't need a rookie cop to look after me.

"Is there anything wrong?" I ask the sergeant, and I can tell he's surprised I'm addressing him now. "Well, I… " He looks to Jamie as if asking for help but I don't follow his glance.  
"Actually we just wanted to check up on you. See if that… you know… thing has appeared again."  
"Thing?" I wonder how cold my voice can sound. Cold and rich and full of contempt. If Clarice could hear me now she'd be proud of me.  
It's that very sound, actually, that makes me take a breath. I will never be like her, for nobody, no matter what happens. I love my brother, and I know he's happy with Clarice and that's why I keep my feelings at bay, but I will never get to like her. And I will never be like her.  
"There's nothing" I say with my usual voice, shy and soft, weak but at least it's mine. I'm still me, Melissa Samuels, fallen for a cop with a law's degree and puppy eyes. Sad story but it's my problem alone.  
"What do you mean, nothing?" The sergeant obviously hasn't noticed the change in my voice or behavior, and I'm thankful for it.  
"I mean that since yesterday everything's been quiet. I went outside this morning and… when I came back everything was normal." Now I can feel the old desperation coming up again. I know how I sound. I know he can't believe me, not when he's not wanting to be called nuts too.  
"It's not a thing, though" I try to defend myself, "it is a person. I may be not the most rational of all people but I'm not" I swallow as I feel tears in my throat, "I'm not crazy. Please. I know you can't come here every time, I know there's more important things to do out there, I understand, but please! Please believe me. I am not crazy. Not that way."  
I still don't look at Jamie but the last words were directed to him as well. Please believe me, and please don't treat me like a sick and sheepish child.

The sergeant looks at me for a long time, then nods. "Okay."  
"Okay?"  
"Okay. You're not crazy." I can't tell if this is a joke or if he's serious right now – neither his voice nor his face gives him away. Which is scary in its own way.  
"So if there's nothing wring right now we'd better go." He nods towards Jamie and walks to the door. I move back to the stairs as Jamie passes me, avoiding both his eyes and his hand, reaching out ever so slightly as if to touch me.

"Miss?" The older man is already half out of the house but I now can read his face. He means what he says now: "Don't you ever hesitate to call us when you're feeling threatened. We come here and get the guy, that's fine. We come here and nothing's wrong, then at least nothing's wrong."

I nod as I manage a smile and close the door.  
Five steps. It's five steps to the couch and the table where the pictures lay, small but sharp cut, and for a very short moment I wonder if Jamie has seen himself on them.

Then I sweep them all to the ground and break down crying.

**Jamie  
**I'm not really sure what I've done wrong but I feel terrible. It's as if no matter how hard I try I only hurt Melissa more. This shouldn't be, and I shouldn't care that much. As we get into the car all I want to do is calling her, but with Renzulli listening it won't be helpful. And I don't even know what to say.  
"That girl's a show!" The searge chuckles as he moves us out of the parking lot. "Honestly, Harvard. Your brother's gonna kill you. And me as well."  
"What is it between you and Danny?" I'm tired of this fight going on, and I'm tired to be forced to take sides all the time.  
Renzulli frowns. "Don't tell me you didn't get that?"  
"Get what, searge?" I try not to sound as irritated as I feel. What did I do wrong? What happened? I thought Melissa'd trust me, I thought I'd finally created the bridge to get to her and help her. And now she avoided me like I was her stalker myself, as if she couldn't trust me. What did I do wrong?

"Oh Reagan." Renzulli sighs in exaggerated desperation. "You know there is one thing you brother Danny always gets. Well, got before he met his wife. And Joe was good at finding out, too. What do you kids learn at Harvard, honestly?"  
I just look at him. Joe's name still hurts, but I've learnt to not think about the whole… thing too long.  
So rather to distract myself I say "What do you mean , searge?"

Renzulli laughs before he answers. "She's jealous! Reagan you just broke your heart! I don't know why she was expecting you, and you better don't tell me or I'll have to report it, but hell she was assuming it was only you and her, and then you're coming with me. I think she wasn't really eager to see me there." His smile widens. "Oh that girl had daggers in her eyes. You really need to learn to look at some girls again! Just you know… don't take the crazy ones, right? You deserve better than that."

I failed her again.


	9. Remember

**Jamie  
**I try not to think too much about the whole Melissa-thing, also because I still struggle to understand why Danny told Renzulli about it. With what he said yesterday when we came back from the cemetery I thought that in the end he's really just worried. But this? This is not about me being in danger, it's about me being not on my quiet spot where Danny wants me to be. I didn't say yes to what he asked of me immediately, and so he thinks he needs to control me otherwise. As we drive away from Melissa my anger grows. I will not delete her number. I was thinking about it, I thought it might be better, and if what Renzulli says is right and she wanted me to come over alone then it really would be better to keep my distance to her.  
Just that this is exactly what Danny wants from me, and I'm fed up with giving in every time. I'm fed up with being a rookie, and I'm fed up with both Renzulli and Danny always telling me what I did wrong. They're a great pair, actually, I don't get it why they can't stand each other! Probably because they're so similar.

When my shift ends I'm exhausted, from the day's work and from the effort of not calling and yelling at Danny. Renzulli's been smirking for the rest of the afternoon. Halfway I hope he will decide to turn on me and tell Danny about the visit we paid Melissa so I have a real reason to hate both of them. The message Agent Anderson sent me half an hour ago isn't helpful, either. _We expected more from you. Please help bringing a little justice to this world _it says and as I read it again I just want to smash my cell right down onto the floor. If it wasn't for Vinny to just enter the locker room, I might do it. Justice. She thinks she can play me just like that, dispersing key words I studied for four years and thinking I'll just run to her? She's never begged anything so they must be quite desperate now.  
I wonder if Anderson really sees me that weak and manipulable. Probably she sees me the same way Danny sees me.  
I rather don't think about what dad sees in me. I still want to make him proud but so far I'm rather a disappointment, I fear.

It's those moments when I miss Joe most. He was always here for me, he didn't have to understand or analyze everything that was going on. He would just be here and listen and tell me not to worry, and that Danny's just Danny. And then he'd tell me about his day and eventually we'd let the day creep away while sitting in a bar, waiting for a new day to come, a new day where we both can try once more to be heroes just like Dad.  
Joe always knew what to say, and I miss him so much right now that I can feel tears stinging in my eyes again. I wonder if I will ever get used to the fact that he will never be around again. Every now and then I dream of him, and waking up from these dreams tears me apart every time anew. Someday this has to stop hurting, it surely has to, but so far…  
And I want to get the bastard that did that to him, I want to look into the eyes of the man who stole my brother's life from him. And from us.

I'm sitting in Joe's car and my hands are shaking. I think about visiting Dad but at the same moment I know that I can't see him right now. And I surely can't see Danny, and I don't want to bother Erin.  
Damn it. Is there nobody left to talk to than the dead right now?  
Then it strucks me, and I laugh despite my rage. Screw it, a little voice said, the same voice that sang happily when Sydney gave me back my mother's ring. You only got one life. And Danny's mad at you anyway.  
The funny thing is I could swear the voice _is_ Danny's, just more piercing.

I haven't felt so alone for a long time.

**Melissa  
**I couldn't bring myself to going out again, but I cleaned up the house, filled with a mixture of disappointment and self-contempt and cold triumph about I don't know what. It's getting dark outside and eventually I can't pretend being busy anymore. The photos are collected and in order again, I forced myself to look at every one of them, even on the one with Jamie on it. If nothing else – maybe the last two days can help me get on track again. I fell in love with a man whom I hardly know, and now I'm heartsick because of course he's not fallen for me. That's kind of depressing, but… it's normal. Things likes these happen to everyone, and they make me part of a world of depressed normal people. I wonder how many people are walking past my window with a broken heart inside, and can't help smiling. Not with gloating, not even with bitterness. If nothing else, at least I can love Jamie Reagan for making me a bit more normal. My smile widens. Can I let him go now? Didn't I try to do so already? Stupid me. What did I expect?

The phone rings, and as I turn away from the window my smile's already half gone. Who should be calling me now? Alec normally calls every Sunday, so if it's him there's… there's something happened. My stomach twists around and then freezes to ice. I can hear myself breathing, the only sound that I hear, once again, like then, and it's so dark around me. Not again. Is it me shaking or the world around me? I close my eyes and open them again, scared of what I may just have missed, yet scared to look around.  
It happened already. It won't happen anymore. What am I afraid of? There's not much left to lose for me. Except… except for my brother, who's there in the world to take care for?

My cell tells me. The only other name, the other man that stepped in my life accidently and stepped out again so quickly that he probably didn't even notice how my heart got tangled and now follows him, whether I want it to or not.  
And that means it's nothing about Alec. This, more even than Jamie's name, calms me down. I didn't tell him about my brother so he _can't_ be calling to tell me some bad news about him. Gotta be brave now. Ha ha. As if I ever was.

**Jamie  
**I almost give up as she picks up. "Officer Reagan?"  
I wince a little. I shouldn't be doing this, she's in enough trouble right now. But I can't help it. Danny can't control me, and he can't stop me from helping people. That's my job, and it should be his, too. Maybe he forgot that while sulking over my joining the force. I don't know, and I don't want to think about it too closely. Because if I do, I might ask myself if I do this more for Melissa than for myself, and… damn it. I miss Joe.  
I miss him telling me not to use a poor girl that builds her trust in mankind on me to show my big brother how mature I am. Because I'm not, I'm kind of childish now.  
But if I hang up on her now, she will never trust me again.  
"It's Jamie, remember" I say weakly, not knowing how to begin. What exactly did I want to tell her?  
"Oh… yes, now you said it. Sorry. What can I do for you?"  
Irony? Is that a good sign? She feels comfortable with me, I get it, at least Renzulli was right with this. Maybe there is more in it for her. Automatically my thoughts go out to Sydney. I was okay with her leaving, it was… it was almost a relief to see her going. I want her to have the life she dreamed of, she's deserved it, and I – god knows I love her too much to stand in her way, either. I guess I still love her, and now that there's no trace left, no evidence to prove that she really lived with me for three years, I miss her. We've gone through much together. Harvard. Alcohol. Mom.  
Joe. Again and again.  
"Jamie?" Her voice is gentle now, and the tears start to fall.  
"I miss my brother" I blurt out, "I miss Joe and I miss mom, and I even miss Sydney." Why am I telling her this? "So don't you ever tell me I don't understand you again, right?" Which she never did in particular, actually.  
"I see." The last trace of irony is gone, I can see her right before me now, those big brown eyes filled with so much emotion always.  
"I know what you're going through, Jamie. I am so sorry for you. Can you tell me about them?"  
"Tell you?"  
"I… you don't have to if you don't want. It's just that… sometimes when you lost people you love so much it can help to talk about them. Make them remembered by the world, even if it's just few people. It's too heavy to carry those memories alone for all your life." Her voice is soothing, but somehow her words make me want to cry even more.

She's a victim. She's involved in a case I'm working, this is wrong. On the other hand, isn't that what I wanted to do? Showing Danny how I couldn't care less on what he's trying to make out of me?  
Just that I do care. And he's my only brother left.

Melissa stays quiet but I can feel she's still there, waiting with and for me.  
I take a deep breath and start the engine. "Would it be okay if I just came over? Just for a couple of minutes?"  
I can hear her smile through the phone. "Of course. See you in a few."

The couple of minutes becomes a couple of hours. Whatever Melissa might feel for me otherwise than sympathy she keeps hidden, and for the first time since I've met her there's no moment of awkwardness between us. We sit down on the couch, she's made some tea that tastes absolutely healthy. I don't like it, but I like the feeling of holding a warm cup in my hands – giving me something to hold on and to stare in as I start to talk. Talk about my childhood, about Joe and Danny and me fighting, about Erin getting married and Joe being her best man, about my going to Harvard. As I tell her the story of my life I realize once again how important my family is to me. There's not one thing worth remembering without them. When I come to mom's funeral I cry for the first time, and the second time at Joe's death. This time I cry so hard I can't go on for a few minutes, and suddenly I'm scared. I'm scared of not getting the story right, of letting out important parts, of not having described my brother as he deserves.  
Melissa gently squeezes my hand. I look at her through tear-filled eyes. She's beautiful, and there's a softness and calmness in her feature now that tells me it's okay. She will listen to me till the end. I see my own grieve mirrored in her eyes and realize that I did it right. Even if that means she's hurting too, now – she will remember my mom, and my brother. She will keep them in her heart. I wish I could tell her what this means to me, but right now I can't for all the feelings overwhelming me, so I just hold her hand very tightly and try to smile through my tears before I go on with the story.

I leave her about three in the morning. She doesn't ask me if I want to stay and I'm glad about it. She stays inside but comes to the door to take a look at Joe's car. My car, for now. With a last smile she turns around and closes the door, and I stay standing in front of the house.  
Then finally I drive home.


	10. Independence Day

_I've had my problems with this chapter… sorry it's so short and… well, strange? I'm really not happy with this but I needed to get on with it in order to tell the story._

**Jamie  
**I've hardly slept last night. I thought I'd be calm after talking to Melissa, but when I drive away I know that I can't go home at once. I stop at the cemetery instead, breaking into it, actually. The doors are closed after dark but the walls aren't high. After mom's death we climbed over regularly – it was Joe who found the place where it was easiest to get over it.  
I sit down in front of my brother's grave, feeling empty somehow – no energy left, but no tears either. For the first time since we put this stone on I don't know what to tell my brother. That I just behaved like a little child, acting absolutely against my oath just to annoy Danny? That I sat through the night with a girl I hardly know, telling her everything about our family? And that it felt good?  
In the end I just sit there till the sun sends its first rays over the place, clothing the headstones in gold. I don't know if I've fallen asleep in the meantime. It wouldn't be so bad, anyways. I'm not on duty today. Not because…

"Hey, Jamie! You're early!"  
I jerk at the sound of Danny's voice. He smiles as he sits down beside me, beer in his hands. The scene is so oddly familiar and I wonder if maybe we can only be together when we're all three. Ever since I've become a cop, Danny feels uncomfortable with me alone.  
"What's wrong, kid? Still angry at me? You know the rules as well as I do!" He presents me one bottle, beaming. "You know that's against the rules for today."  
I'm too tired to remember why I wanted to be angry at him. And – Danny's right. There are a few days we kids weren't allowed to fight at: Christmas, mother's day, and Independence Day.  
The tradition to drink in the morning on Independence Day is new, though.  
I still do it and feel Danny's smile on me. It's childish from him to be proud of me for drinking alcohol, and it's even more childish from me to like him being proud of me – but after all, if there is one thing this night taught me it is how much my family means to me.  
"No" I finally say, looking directly into my brother's eyes, "not angry anymore."  
Danny leans back and holds the bottle up to the headstone. "Good."  
"But I want you to stop pressurizing my sergeant!" I can't get the harshness out of my tone. Blame it on the beer. Or on the fact that… I close my eyes. "Sorry, Danny. But it's true."  
Danny sighs heavily. "Yes, I know."  
And then he says it. The three words that I longed for since… I don't know, when.  
"I'm sorry, Jamie."  
"It's okay" I can't help but add "as long as you stop it."  
Which is a bad thing to say. "Hey I just said I'm sorry, okay?"  
"Thanks for that" I mean it "but stop it. Really. Why did you pull Renzulli into this?"  
"Oh come on, Jamie." Danny empties the bottle. I suddenly wonder why he starts drinking so early. "Is everything alright?"  
He grins bitterly. "Of course. Why? Yes everything's fine. Besides… that my sons miss their uncle who promised to be there for them and now has stopped dropping by. Or my wife calling you and you don't call back, or Erin and me fighting over stuff at dinner and you just don't get it because you're too deep grandpa's old war stories." He grabs another bottle but doesn't open it. "I hate to say it but… sometimes… I understand why Sydney left you."  
I drop the bottle. "Danny…"  
"Where are you, Jamie? Ever since you graduated from the academy and – no, don't tell me it's my fault, it's not, not this time!" Danny jumps up, unable to stay calm any longer. "What's wrong, Jamie? Why don't you trust us anymore?" All of a sudden his rage collapses. What I see in his eyes now is even worse.

Danny has tears in his eyes. My big, strong, annoying, arrogant brother is on the edge of crying.  
"Why don't you trust me?"  
I swallow. "I do trust you, Danny."  
"Yeah, of course." He looks away from me, into the rising sun so he won't have to explain his tears.

I don't know what to do. Till now I had managed to block out the fact that I'm lying to my family. I'm on a secret mission to find Joe's killers and truth be told, I'm as alone and caught up in secrets as he was. For Joe, this mission ended… well, here.  
I know I have to finish it, but I can't have my family getting into the line of fire. No matter how it will piss Danny off – no, no matter how much it will hurt him for the time being – it is better to be disappointed than dead. Especially for Jack and Sean and Linda.  
I know I'm doing the right thing here, but still… I feel guilty. More than Danny needs to know. I… I just spent the whole night talking about how much my family means to me and… I forgot calling them.

"Let's go" I say and turn around, not daring to look at mom's or Joe's headstones. I know that neither of them would recognize the man I've become, and that hurts. But what else can I do right now? Life changes you. Sometimes it destroys you.  
I think about Melissa again – what would she say to this morning? To this night? I realize that I know nothing about her family. I never asked, I was too filled up with my own sorrow.

"Sorry" I say, to both of them, Danny and Melissa.  
Danny only bristles as he passes me.


	11. There you'll be

**Melissa  
**I stand at the window, long after Jamie has left. It's night but I think I can see the sun coming up, slowly, still hidden, but it comes.  
Now that I'm alone I allow myself to cry, too. For Jamie's mother and his brother, but more actually for my own parents. Hearing him talking about his family made me realize once again just how much I have lost – and this time I feel it without self-pity, I just feel the amount of life, of living time that has been destroyed in one second. And it hurts. It hurts so bad that I couldn't even say goodbye to one of them. They're all gone.  
Only Alec remains – and Alec's far away. For the thousandth time I tell myself I should go and visit him, even if I have to fake getting along with Clarice. He loves her, he is happy with her, and I am happy when he is. Simple as that. It's a shame that I need a police officer to remind me how important it is to keep your loved ones around you.  
Then again, Jamie didn't come as a police officer tonight. He came because he trusted me – maybe not to be all normal, but to be a person who can listen. He thanked my about a thousand times when he left, thinking I had done something for me.  
While truly he just did something for me, something very important.  
Dawn breaks the morning of Independence Day, and I feel good. And - less independent than ever. Maybe it was a mistake thinking I have to go through this alone. Maybe it is okay to depend on memories, if that's all that is left. In any case I know that I can't be safe and sound without knowing that Alec is, too.  
And Jamie. It's stupid, and chances are high he'll avoid me from now on, but I need him to be safe and sound and happy as well. I just hope he'll get over the loss of his brother somehow.

When I find sleep after all, at about nine o'clock, I dream of them – of mom and Mary Reagan sitting next to each other on the plane, instead of me sitting next to mom. I don't know who the man besides my father is – he looks like a mixture of Alec and Jamie. My subconscious isn't creative. I guess it should be Joe. There should be other people on the flight, too, but there are none. There are no empty seats, either. It's just four of them, made for two Samuels and two Reagans. No room left for me on this last trip through the sky that will not end. Though even in my dream I know that I should be thankful, I feel betrayed. And alone. Very alone. I'm flying somewhat over the plane, and I see one of the jet engines starting to smoke. I want to shout and warn somebody but I have no voice. I can't do nothing. My parents die and I can't do nothing against it.  
I know this part of the nightmare – for this is what it has become – I dream it regularly. Sometimes I even see Alec dead with them. Blood everywhere, and snow. And silence.  
This time instead of Alec I see Joe Reagan lying on the ground, his arms wrapped protectively around his mother – in vain, since she's dead, too. I have a voice now, and a body that aches with horror and grief and the coldness of winter on the mountains, and I'm – not totally alone. At the other end of the wreck I can see someone moving, and without really looking I know who it is. I want him to look at me and hold me and tell me everything's gonna be fine, but I know he won't. Not because he doesn't want to but because right now he can't. It's me who starts to walk towards him, slowly and shakily, but I do. Step after step, and the nightmare loses a bit of its cruelty.

I wake up in the afternoon and go out, through the celebrating city, directly to the cemetery. This is one of the few ways I'm never afraid to go. Seeing my parents, even if only their names engraved on the headstones, reminds me that sooner or later it will end – and I'll see them again.  
The dream still sways around me when I reach the graveyard so I don't wonder at first when I read the name "Reagan" on a stone five rows before ours. It's only after I pass the row that I realize both what I have been dreaming and what is reality.

Reality is that there was nobody to comfort me, and from what Jamie told me he didn't get the comfort he needed from his family, either. I try to think about what Alec did directly after the accident, but I don't know it. All I know is that once he learned from our parents' deaths he called our lawyer to make sure everything would go the right ways, very calm and concentrated – and then he left. Without a word he was gone, he didn't visit me, he didn't even attend the funeral. At first I blamed him for it – I really would have needed someone to lean on then, psychical as well as physical.  
Now I understand that everyone has his own way to cope with such a loss, and Alec could only run. Till today I couldn't say if he ever has visited their grave. Does it really matter? I know my brother, and mom and dad knew their son. Whatever he does, however he gets on with his life is good.  
I really need to see him.

But first I kneel down in front of the headstone of Mary Elizabeth Reagan and thank her – for the love she has had for her children, for fighting so strong, for being there and holding on till all of her family were in the hospital to say goodbye. I don't know if I'm supposed to cry for a woman I never knew, but I do cry a bit. And when I move to Joe I can't help but crying more.  
"Your brother really misses you" I tell him, as if he didn't know – up there wherever he might be. "I just hope you know how hard he's trying to make you proud. In any case he loves you, and he will carry you with him wherever he may go. Try to look after him, okay? He's suffered enough. Watch out for him, down there we need people like him. Cops, but… not only. Also just… people. People like Jamie." I realize I'm not really talking to Joe anymore, so I stand up and turn around – to face Jamie.

**Jamie**  
After lunch the family splits up for a short time, tradition as well. Danny and Linda take the boys to Central Park, Erin and Nicky get manicured – a mother-daughter-tradition Erin invented when her marriage started to break up. It was one of the easiest ways to shy John away for hours. Yes, I still blame him for leaving like that. Not everything I talked about to Melissa was good.  
Dad and grandpa go fishing, at least they try, and I – I used to spend the day with Sydney. This year I'm alone. Of course, Danny and Dad and even Erin offered me to go with them, but I decline. These hours till dinner belong to parents and their kids, and I… well, I have my dad, but he deserves to be the younger one at least for once. Most of the year I'm not sure who's more mature, Dad or grandpa. I decide to visit mom again – I haven't really had time for her this morning, and during the mass I was so busy with fighting against sleep that I couldn't really concentrate about praying.

As I reach the row where the Reagan's are buried I see a young woman kneeling at our graves. It takes me a moment to realize it's Melissa. She jumps as she sees me.  
"I'm so sorry" she stammers, blushing, "I know I shouldn't be here, I was just… I… wasn't stalking you, you've got to believe me."  
Stalking? I have to think before I remember why the thought of a stranger following one's every movement occurs to her that quickly. It's completely crazy but when I went to her yesterday I had totally forgotten why we had met in the first place.  
"I know you weren't" I say quickly, but I can see she doesn't really believe me. "I shouldn't be here" she says again, "and I wouldn't if I hadn't seen their names on the way."  
"On the way?" Once again I realize how few I know about the girl I poured my heart out before. Melissa looks down. "My parents. They died in a plane crash. I was the only one to survive." Her voice is very low and pressed. She's far away from being over it, or was it me stirring it up with my talking? I don't know. But it is obvious she's close to tears – or has just cried – and doesn't want me to see her in tears.  
I didn't realize she was so proud.

"I… I better go" she says softly and walks past me, eyes still cast down. At the end of the row she turns around as if to say something, but then doesn't.  
I watch her wandering to another row and kneeling down in front of another grave for a long time. Through the wind I think I can hear her cry, and I remember what she told me just a couple of hours ago.  
_Sometimes when you lost people you love so much it can help to talk about them. Make them remembered by the world, even if it's just few people. It's too heavy to carry those memories alone for all your life.  
_I say a prayer for mom and then move on to Melissa. She cries but as she looks up and sees me, there's a trace of a smile on her face.  
"Do you… do you wanna talk about them?" I ask, unsure how to do this. It seemed so natural yesterday, but now…  
Melissa seems to sense my awkwardness. "You don't have to do this" she says gently, "but thank you."  
That girl drives me crazy! "But I want to" I protest weakly, and I do my best to stare down her mocking glance. "Talking about my family really helped me yesterday, Melissa. I can't tell you how much. And I want to know about your parents. I really do."  
I really do. And I hope she believes me in this. I sit down beside her, waiting to start. She looks at me for a long time.

**Melissa**  
I can't. I can't start talking about my parents all over again, I did it hundreds of times with my therapist, and as often with the doctors, and with the plane company's lawyers… the stories differed a bit, but the main line was the same throughout every version: My parents died, and 43 people died with them. I was left alone to survive, and I have no idea why. All I know is that it isn't right.  
But how am I supposed to tell a cop that I feel like I have killed my parents? I bite my lips and shake my head, so wildly that my hair flies around.

"Thank you. But please – just no." I bite my lips even stronger but I can't stop the tears from falling. I see them again, dead faces in the snow, broken limbs lying around me, every wish, every thought, every plan cut off and gone forever.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay." I don't dare to breathe as Jamie pulls me into an embrace, soft and warm and steady, though I know that if I want to get out he'll release me at once.  
Not that I'd ever want this moment to stop.


	12. Being in

**Melissa  
**I don't know how much time passes. After a few seconds of lightheaded joy that Jamie holds me I fall apart. It's been so long since I was hugged by anybody – two years actually. The last one to take me in her arms was my mother right before we boarded the plane. We had fought about the right colors of some African country's flag, and though it's absolutely ridiculous, we really got into it and didn't speak a word for a whole day, both being so sure we were right. Just before we got into that damned plane mom took me aside to tell me I was right, and that she was sorry – she had just googled it. I was so proud of her in that moment – my parents weren't ready yet for the internet age, and she had overcome her prejudices for… for me, in a way.  
That's the only thing I can be grateful for, I guess – I got to make amends with my parents before they died. When the plane went down we had about thirty seconds. It may not seem long, but it is enough time to realize just how much you love somebody, how much you want a beautiful life for him and her, how you hate seeing they will die with you. Only that I didn't die with them, and now, after realizing how much I love and adore them, and how I shouldn't be able to live without them, I have to.  
It's these thoughts, and then the memory of yesterday, how Jamie lost his mother – a feeling to which I relate – and how he lost his brother and didn't even get the chance to say goodbye, and that he loved him. It's too much, and once I start letting all the bottled up emotions go I feel they will tear me up. If Jamie wouldn't keep his arms around me I don't know where I'd end in this moment.

**Jamie  
**As I feel Melissa relaxing and crying in my arms the first thing I feel is relief. I didn't really think when I put my arm around her shoulders, it just seemed the right thing to do – I figure she's alone often enough. And I know now how good it feels to have somebody around when you think about the ones you lost, just so to make sure they are not gone and forgotten.  
Sitting so close to her, feeling her body shaking, and looking right Joe's gravestone, it wouldn't be hard to cry with Melissa. But I know that I can't. She was strong for me yesterday, I owe her to be strong now.

So I try to keep a certain distance – but not much. I know now with a certainty that actually gets me worried about my job that Melissa Samuels is no longer just a case for me. We shared too much for this, and I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to hold her so close.  
Actually it would be best if I just tried to avoid her from now on, that should be easy - and if she calls me again – well, then there are two possibilities: either I can get the serge to go there without me or just ignore her and let her handle the stalker on her own. That's both impossible.

After a while I feel Melissa straightening up and wiping the tears off her face almost brutally. Lips pressed together tightly she nods, and I can't help but smile at her stubborn pride. It doesn't really fit to be so worried about her attitude on a place like this, but then – she's supposed to be crazy. People tend to not believe her. She has to pull herself together to have a chance. I squeeze her shoulder as I let her go.  
She's still beautiful.  
"Thank you" she whispers, and I answer without thinking: "My pleasure."

She laughs. Melissa actually laughs. "Really?"  
I rethink my answer. "No, not really. But I am glad if I could help you at least a little bit."  
She nods fiercely. "You have. Thank you very much." Then she looks away. "I gotta go to my family now."  
"Yeah, me too." Again. This time I recognize my mistake as soon as the words come out of my mouth. What's wrong with me?  
"I'm so sorry, Melissa, I didn't mean to…"  
"I know." She smiles gently but swallows and I can see that my words just hit the spot. I watch her struggle not to cry again and it breaks my heart. "Melissa…"  
"No, really, it's okay." She's pulled herself together. "Thank you for everything. Have a nice Independence Day."  
"You too."

I watch her sit down in front of a tall gravestone some rows ahead. Seems like a family grave.  
As I think back on the year, the sixth to pass without mom and the third without Joe, I can't help looking up and to Melissa every once in a while.  
Then my cell rings. Agent Anderson. I sigh – this is so inappropriate at a cemetery. And so fitting to the fact that I'm sitting in front of Joe's grave at the same time.  
I try not to think about what he would say to this.  
"Agent Anderson?"  
"It's been a while since I last heard from you." Her voice is sharp as usual.  
"Yes, I was busy enough getting my official job done. Trust me I want to get them down as much as you do. Or more." I stare at Joe's stone. I know that nothing will bring him back, but at least I can make sure that his killers won't get away that easy. They will remember the name of the man they killed. My brother.  
"I wish I could say I know that. Joe worked harder than you."  
"And Joe's dead" I blurt out, my free hand balled to a fist. "What do you want, get me killed, too?"

This silences her for a moment. When she speaks again, her voice is softer. "I am sorry. I really am. And if you want to back out so your family won't lose another member…"  
"No, I'm in! I'm in." I force myself to calm down. "What should I do?"  
She sighs. "I wish I could tell you. I guess being curious is a good start."  
"I was curious" I say, "I asked my grandfather and Danny about the templars. Neither of them is really willing to talk about it."  
"I'd rather you keep this out of your family!" Every gentleness is gone.  
I nod. "Okay. I'll just… try to find out more, I guess."  
"When will I hear from you?"  
"When do you want to hear from me?"  
I think I can see her rolling her eyes but can't feel any pity for her. After all, if it wasn't for her, Joe would never have known about the templars. Or was it her? Didn't Joe say his contact had been changed?  
"I will call back." She hangs up quickly so I can't ask her about it, leaving me with more questions than before.

I close my eyes to get my concentration back to mom and Joe, but it doesn't work. For a moment I can't even picture my mother's face in my head, and that makes me panic. Where's my life heading to? And do I have to forget my past to go on, is that how life's gonna be once you're… old?  
I guess I understand Melissa's fear of life better now.  
My cell rings again and I try to ignore it, I can't talk to Agent Anderson now. I feel like I'm betraying my family.  
The ringing doesn't stop, though, and eventually I see Melissa turn around to look at me. By now I know the worried expression on her face, and I smile reassuringly before I pick up.  
"Yes?"  
"Hey, kid."  
I sigh in relief. "Danny!"  
"Yeah. Surprising how I call you from my own phone. What are you doing?"  
"I'm at the cemetery." And suddenly I see my mother again. I feel tears in my eyes, and I feel stupid – for believing only for one second I could ever forget her.  
"Again?" Danny sounds worried now. "Well, if you're ready here, would you like to join us? The boys thought you'd go with us and now they think everything is boring without you."  
"Really?" My heart leaps. "Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes. Where exactly are you?"  
"If I knew" Danny sighs, clearly annoyed. "We're somewhere in the middle, in a wooden part of this park I swear I've never seen before."

Now I can't stop laughing. "Okay, boy scout, I'll come and find you!"

When I stand up, my glance goes to Melissa again. As she catches it, she stands up too and frowns. I just hope one day she will expect good things to happen, and not fear the worst every time. Then again, expecting the best doesn't really work either. I guess the best thing we can do is hope.  
While thinking, I made my way over to her. She takes a step aside so I get right in front of her parent's gravestone. We both stay silent for a moment.

I don't know why but standing here next to Melissa feels special. It's another proof of her trusting me, I know that, but it seems like something more. Something deeper. I wonder how her parents were, and how they educated their daughter. Sixth of her family to go to Harvard means something, but since she's got a picture of the library in her apartment, I guess she liked it there. She fulfilled her parent's expectations and liked it – they must have been very close. I'm sure they would want her to be safe and happy and free to do whatever she wants – and now they can't take care of her anymore.

I shake my head as I realize where my thoughts go. This is stupid. Absolutely stupid, gravestones don't talk and I'm surely not the right guy to… well, whatever. I came to say goodbye, didn't I?

"I've gotta go" I say, and she seems startled for a moment.  
Of course. Because she already said goodbye before.  
"Okay" she says and I think or hope to see a gleam of disappointment in her eyes.  
"When you see anything, just call me and I'll be there" I say, don't wait for her answer and walk away, making a run for it once I think I'm out of her sight.


	13. Into the woods

**Jamie  
**It doesn't take long to find my brother – he was here before, actually, it's one of the oldest areas of the park, with trees that have been here for at least eighty years. As I walk past a very old oak tree I start to think that Danny just made fun of me – sure he can't have forgotten this wood, our own little Sherwood Forest. We used to play Robin Hood, fighting against dragons looking like squirrels and bad people, being everyone who dared entering. If no one came, we just fought with each other.  
Our enthusiasm for the green man didn't last long, though. While we were trying to build a complete house in the trees, with walls and a roof and stuff, Erin studied some old English history to get a better picture of the gang, and then found out that practically everything they did was against the law. There whole existence was against the law, actually. This was important information, I guess for Erin even more than for us boys. We just immediately stopped building and never lost a word about the lawless gangster so not to support anybody who stood against dad, but she got really interested in law from that day on. The picture of a man's being alive as enough reason to kill him didn't get in but neither out of her head. How can it be illegal to live?  
That turned out to be one of her most favorite topics to discuss about with anybody later on. Very often she and grandpa fought about the right to live, the right to carry a gun… and most of the times it ended with grandpa shouting that she was too young to understand, and her shooting back that he was too old. In these times not even Joe could keep the peace, and once the two of them really got started we all went into hiding because there was just no way out. Grandpa's the most stubborn of all of us, though slowly I think that it's also because of his age.  
I understand that the older you get, the less you want to fight for anything. You want to be accepted, you want to have your space and your share of peace and understanding. You don't want to hear that what you've done, what you've fought for, should be wrong.  
Like going to the academy.

"Uncle Jamie!" I try to look shocked as the boys appear from the bushes beside me, though I saw them moving.  
"Hey, guys! You wanna give me a heart attack?" Sean giggles and hugs me, but Jack shakes his head. "You've seen us" he states, seeing through me.  
"Guilty" I grin and bow for my all-knowing nephew, "Can you forgive me for acting so poorly?"  
Then I get serious. I know I haven't been there for them since I became a cop, not the way I used to be there. The way I promised to be there for them for as long as I live. And Jack's old enough to be angry with me for it.  
I let go of Sean and bow down till I'm at my nephew's height. "And can you forgive me for being such a lousy uncle?"  
He bites his lip as if feeling guilty himself now for bringing the topic up. "We know you've got a lot to do" he quickly says, and Sean nods. "But we miss you" he adds quietly.  
I swallow. "I miss you too" I say, and it's true. I miss being with the boys, playing with them, watching crap on TV and just enjoying life. Whenever I'm with my nephews I feel like a child myself, though I know I have a responsibility for them, and I'd never let anything happen to them.  
It's so easy to be with them. For Jack and Sean I will always be uncle Jamie, no matter what I work or to whom I'm married. They love me, and I know that they admire me – I don't really know what for, actually, but they do. And I want them to keep admiring me, I want to make them proud, I want to be the uncle they always knew, I want it to be as it was.

But it won't happen. It won't happen, and this is not only because of Joe. I miss him every day, his support and his courage and the fact that he always knew what to do but… I can't blame it all on him.  
I have changed. I'm not the man that asked Sydney Davenport to marry her, I'm not the man who graduated from the academy. The decision to become a cop was a decision to change my whole life. I'm on the street for only half a year and already have seen so many things nobody should ever see.  
They always say studying the law breaks your trust in mankind but if anything, it's being a police officer. Laws were created by suspicious people, but they were created. They are a work of mankind for mankind, at least most of the times. The agreement that we are one world.  
What I would have seen as a lawyer would be hard, and unjust sometimes, but what I see as a cop is ten times worse than the worst thing I could have seen there.

What cops see are shattered pieces of the world, reminders of some people that they don't accept the laws, that they don't feel like a part of this one world. They feel like they're alone, if they want to or not, and therefore create their own system. It's a tragedy that people feel that way, and it's even more tragic when other people have to die because of the first tragedy.

"I'm sorry" I say, kneeling down so Sean can look directly into my face to see I mean it. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you."  
Sean is just like Linda. He can't be mad for one second after hearing an honest excuse. "It's okay" he says happily and throws his arms around me.  
I look up to Jack, towering over me now. "Can you forgive me, too?"  
Jack looks at me wisely. "The job's hard, isn't it?"  
I nod. "Harder than I imagined. Your dad's a hero."

"Who's a hero?" Danny pops out of the bushes before Jack can answer.  
Sean laughs. "You, daddy!"  
"Oh, that." Danny shrugs casually. "I thought you were telling me something new."  
He smiles, though, and I can't help smiling, too. It's good to see Danny so happy, not only because he's my brother but also because he's a cop. He's a cop and still has his moments where nothing seems to bother him, where he can forget all that he sees. It gives me hope that no matter how dark the road seems to be right now, it will get lighter eventually.

"Okay, boys, ready to go?" Linda smiles, too, as she comes up. Danny at once puts his arm around her shoulders and they kiss, and again I miss Sydney. Or maybe it's not Sydney in person that I miss but… someone. Someone to kiss, someone to go the path with. Someone who would make the world easier just by being with me. Someone who stay with me through the years of being a cop and face the worst.  
I know that it's a hard job, I know – I know best – that not everybody is built for that.  
Danny was really lucky. I can't imagine him without Linda by his side.

"Done staring?"  
I realize Danny looking at me, and my looking at him and Linda.  
"I'm… I'm sorry, I…"  
Linda looks at me sympathetically. "Do you miss her?"  
Danny breathes in sharply, but she ignores him.  
I shrug. "A little. I guess. But she's better off now, I mean, London… that's all she ever wanted. And she told me from the first day how eager she was to see the world and work hard so she would be accepted wherever she wanted and…" I look directly into my sister-in-law's eyes. Linda truly is special. From all the boyfriends and girlfriends any of us siblings has ever had, she's the only one that is still here.  
"It's okay" I say.  
Linda nods thoughtfully. "Well, don't forget you'll always have us, no matter what."  
"I know. Thank you."

I look at Jack again as I stand up. He still hasn't answered me, and I want him to know that I don't take his forgiveness for granted. He smiles at the gesture and nods, and as I hold my hand up he takes it.  
"Let's go!"

After two minutes of walking the boys are tired of our slowness and run forward, and I make myself ready to follow them, but Danny holds me back. "We've been here before, ain't we?"  
"What, you really don't remember?" I laugh. "Danny, this is where we played… you know what. Before we realized who he was."  
Danny's so puzzled it makes me laugh harder. "I know what?"  
"Well, Erin actually told us" I go on, teasing him to guess. "We all thought he was incredibly cool and fought about who could be it, and then she read more about him and we decided to drop it at once. He's from England, Danny. Long time ago."  
Danny still has no idea. "You know what the kid's talking about?" he whispers loudly into Linda's ear, not without kissing it.  
Linda laughs and shakes her head. "I think that was way before my time."

"Danny" I plead, feeling light and like a child once again, "don't you remember? A green guy, stealing from the rich, giving to the poor, unfortunately a criminal so we had to stop loving him? Housing in the Sherwood forest with a fat old monk?"  
"Oh. That one." Danny's voice is hard, "I remember."  
I frown. Does he really hate Robin Hood that much? I look to Linda for support but she seems as confused as I.  
"What's wrong?"

Danny shakes his head. "Doesn't matter" he says gravely, not looking at anyone of us.  
We walk silently for a while, everyone waiting for the other to say something.

Eventually Danny speaks again, his voice still not back to normal: "So you've already deleted your little crazy's number?"  
That one again? I think about starting the argument again when I realize that he's just dropped a coin, if he wanted to or not.  
There must be a connection between Robin Hood and the witness Danny lost somehow. I can't imagine what kind of connection that was, but whenever he talks about the dangers of getting emotionally involved there's a sadness in his eyes that I know must be related to that woman.

I look at him questioningly, not sure if I should ask.  
Danny stares straight ahead.

I swallow. "Hasn't Renzulli told you we dropped by one afternoon? To find nothing?"  
He frowns but still doesn't look at me. "So you still got your number."  
Now it's me who drops his gaze. "It's different, Danny. She's not a monster. She didn't call us to make a show, she was afraid. And she was alone. Maybe she just missed being around people."  
Now Linda frowns. "She lives in New York."  
"I know, but…" I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if Melissa would want her story to be known by everyone, she trusted me with it. If it was a secret, no matter what I think about it I want to keep it.

"Oh come on, Jamie!" Danny looks up, annoyed. "It's my wife you're talking to, what do you think?"  
"I… it wasn't…" I look to her apologetically. "Sorry. It's not against you…"  
She nods understandingly. "It's okay, Jamie. If she trusts you not to tell anybody you mustn't tell it. But you should be careful with what you promise or do. You're not a social worker."  
Danny snorts. "You should have told him earlier."

I stop dead. "Didn't you want to make a difference when you started? Didn't it matter to you what happened to the survivors of crimes you arrested others for?"  
Danny sighs. I hinted at the dead witness again and he knows it.  
After a moment he walks on, not saying a word. Linda strokes his back comfortingly and suddenly I feel guilty. Why did I have to bring it on again?

I close up to walk beside the couple, silent for a few moments. "Her parents died in a plane crash" I say, offering – no, pleading – to bring the conversation back to where it was before I hurt Danny, "she flew with them and survived the only one of the plane. Then she got into therapy and now… I think she feels guilty for still being alive."  
Danny nods at this. I know that he thinks the same as I do now: We know that feeling. We know the questions that swirl around in Melissa's head, the questions you can't find an answer for: Why him? Why not me?

Linda closes her eyes, then puts an arm around my shoulders as well. "I'm glad you are here with me" she says fiercely, and Danny pulls her close, knowing that she knows what we think and how much it pains her, scares her sometimes. "And I'm glad I'm here with you" he says, smiling as she buries her head in his shoulder. Then he looks over to me, nodding.  
I nod back. Though I'll never understand how it comes that Joe died and I get to still being here – I'm glad I do. Through all the pain and the confusion and the crimes I see, I'm happy.

Melissa's face comes into my mind, and I quickly try to shake it off. It's not time now, I'm with my family, not at duty.  
Still I see her smile, and the mere memory makes me smile, too.

"Uncle Jamie!"  
"On my way!" I call back, smiling one last time at my brother and then running off to catch my nephews.  
While I chase them, however, there's one thought chasing me, and I can't run from that one:  
Not everybody's built for being the wife of a cop, and – totally neutral here – right now, Melissa Samuels is one of them. As clever and kind and emotional and passionate and beautiful she is, I'm sure she's not fit to live a life like Linda does.  
That's clear as daylight, and this is not what bothers me. It's the fact that I really thought about thinking about it.


	14. Stranger like me

_I should have mentioned it earlier… I have never seen Central Park. This park is my own very strange creation. Reviews are still a wonderful gift ;) thanks for all I've got so far!_

**Melissa  
**After the cemetery I go to Central Park – for the first time since my parents died. When I was a child, we used to be there very often, just like every New York family, I guess. I was much more extroverted then, making friends was easy, even if it was only for one afternoon to play. When I started school I was even more open than Alec. I remember that I loved being there, even in high school times. Of course, by then building a friendship had turned much more difficult. I'm not what people would call beautiful or… well-formed. When all my classmates started using bras, I was still flat as a board. How often I wished I could change my grades, being the best in the class, for breasts! It didn't happen. And I started closing in, till it was okay for me to have two friends in my age, and Alec. It then got better in college, and especially in Harvard, since honestly – everyone studying history or art is a little nerd.  
Of course, after the crash I lost contact with them. And it wasn't because they didn't dare talking to me anymore but because I was too afraid to speak with them. Why bond yourself to someone you surely will lose? Why wake up your heart when you just managed to get it to sleep under tons of ice?

Well, because that's what makes you alive. I had almost forgotten it, but since Jamie came and really took notice of me I feel like… reborn. I see things again, beautiful things in this world. Thinking about the past days I even came to the conclusion that his sergeant must be a really good man. At least he tried to take me serious. If only they would get the man, I'd be happy. Really happy. Maybe I could even go back and end my studies.

I wander through the park, in lesser visited areas, more trees than people around. I know this will change soon, when I get out of the little forest, and of course when it gets dark. Every Independence Day there's a firework in the city, seen from everywhere in the city but never so beautiful as in Central Park.

It's been three years since I've seen this firework.  
About time to watch it again.

"Miss! Sorry, Miss, could you… could you please help us?"  
I turn around, heart racing in my throat though from the voice I know that I can't be my stalker. It's two, actually, two boys, and the older one can't be much older than eight. I try to smile.  
"Hey, guys, what can I do for you?" I feel my smile widen at the sound of my voice. I sound confident!  
The younger one stares at me intently, opens his mouth, closes it again. Just as his older brother starts to speak again, he blurts out, "we lost our parents!"  
"Oh dear." I know that feeling, and just like then, it paralyzes me now. "That's bad."  
And that's a bad thing to say, as the younger boy suddenly has tears in his eyes.  
"Wait, wait, it's okay" I hear myself say, bowing down to him, "we'll find them. Okay? We'll find them."  
He looks to his brother, then to me, then nods.  
"Good." I still smile but have no idea what to do next.  
"I know my mom's cell number" offers the older one, and as I just nod, thinking of a way to find the boys' parents, he asks very politely, "could I please use yours for a minute to tell them where we are?"  
"Oh yes, yes, of course." I feel myself blushing as I look for my cell in the bag, then hand it over to him. "Just dial and then it's the green one." As with every other cell. I feel stupid, but he smiles and says "thank you very much" so it can't be totally wrong.

It rings. No answer. The little one gets nervous and starts walking on the spot. I know this sudden urge to move, it comes right before you run for your life crying. But how should I take away his fear? Obviously the boys' mother doesn't hear her phone. Or she doesn't want to answer as long as she doesn't know the caller.  
"Nothing" the older one says quietly, handing me back the cell. He, too, looks stressed now.  
I nod as I take it back, but then hesitate. "Do you want to try it again?"  
"Could I?"  
"Of course. And if you know other numbers of your family, just try them as well, okay? I will stay with you till we've found them."  
"Really?" That's the littler. The tears he has had in his eyes are on their way down his cheeks. He's just like me as a child, and I have to stop thinking about what he might think now or I will end up crying just like him.  
"I promise" I say firmly and carefully reach out my hand for him, just in case. He immediately comes close to me and leans against my hip. "Thank you" he murmurs, looking up to me.  
I can't help but smile. "Of course."  
"Sean!" The elder one's obviously not pleased with Sean's trust in me, and I can't blame him. To reassure him I don't touch Sean, just leave him with his arms around my waist, eyes cast directly at the older brother. After a while, Jack starts dialing again.  
Nothing.  
He looks down. "I don't remember dad's number" he admits.  
"We'll never find mom and dad again!" Sean cries, and now despite the older's earlier look I gently stroke his hair. "Yes, you will. If we don't find them on our own, we'll call the police, right?"

"The police! Jack, you're so stupid!" Sean starts laughing again, and unexpectedly, Jack falls in. "We should have thought about it ourselves" Jack explains to my – I guess – totally puzzled look, "meaning" he suddenly gets earnest again, "I should have thought about it. I'm the older one, I gotta take care of my brother, you know?"  
"I know." I think about my brother who always has tried to take care of me. I won't ever blame him that it didn't really work out.  
"Well then, let's call them, right?" I take back my cell, my cheeks going hot again as I dial Jamie's number. I just hope that wherever he is right now, he won't get problems for having his cell on.

"Melissa? Sorry, it's… not a good moment right now, can I call you back later? Are you in danger?" Jamie sounds more strained than ever, and it hurts hearing him like that. But I can't say yes.  
"I'm sorry, it's just…" Oh yes I could. I could simply call 911, the police, not this very special cop. But while realizing this, I complete the sentence, "I'm in Central Park and there are two little boys in the wooden park looking for their parents. The mother doesn't seem to hear her phone. I hoped…"  
"You found them?" Jamie cries.  
"I… I don't know what…"  
"We're looking for my nephews right now, I wanted to chase them but then I talked to Danny and didn't see where they were going, and now we can't find them anymore and…"

I can't answer because Jack wrenches the cell out of my hands. "It's us, uncle Jamie! We're okay! We're waiting at… at…" He turns around to see anything specific, and I do the same. I know the way to the next path in the park, but right now I couldn't say where we are. There's just trees and grass. I motion for Jack to give me the phone back.  
"Wait, uncle Jamie…" he hesitates, then very polite again, asks me, "I'm sorry, Miss, but what's your name?"  
I smile. "Melissa. But your uncle knows me."  
"Melissa wants to talk to you again, I'll try to figure out where we are."

"Jamie?"  
"Thank you so much for finding them!" It's not Jamie's relieved voice, but a woman's – Linda from what I remember. I must be on loudspeaker – which makes me kind of nervous. "I didn't do anything. I can't tell you exactly where we are but if we walk ten minutes straight we'll end up on the path crossing the east gate way, maybe a quarter of a mile before the actual crossing. If you go there we'll surely see each other sooner or later."  
"Sounds good" Jamie says, "and thank you for being there and help them, okay? We'll be there to meet you." He, too, sounds relieved. I know how much his nephews mean to him.  
"Of course" I say, "you wanna tell the boys yourself? Or give L…" I bite my lips. Probably she shouldn't know that I know her name already. "…Jack and Sean's parents the cell? Just so they know I'm not kidnapping them."  
Sean, still hanging on me, frowns. "Why should we think that?"  
"Because we're not supposed to go with strangers" Jack snaps at him.  
I hear the smile in Linda's voice as I switch my cell on loudspeaker, too: "Jack, Sean, are you alright?"  
"Yes, mom!"  
"Why didn't you pick up?"  
"I'm so sorry, boys, I didn't hear it. But I'll soon be here, okay? You just go with… Melissa and we'll meet in a couple of minutes on the way. I love you both so much."  
"We love you too, mommy!"

**Jamie  
**We all breathe out in relief as Linda hangs up on Melissa. They are okay. We've been searching for half an hour now, and as strong as Linda is when it comes to being the wife of a cop, she's frightened for her boys, even when she doesn't show it.  
By now I was frightened, too. We almost run down the path, almost getting lost ourselves. Danny still is not relaxed, maybe he fears Melissa will decide to kidnap them before his eyes. Given, the mentioning of a kidnapping to happen could make her a bit suspect – but I know why she thinks about it. I know why she's overly cautious, but I don't want to tell Danny. If I do he'll know who Melissa is, and I don't want him to hurt her.

"Mom! Dad!" Sean gasps. Running, waving his arms and screaming is too much at one time, so jack takes over to yell my name as they finally come out of the woods to the way where we're waiting. Linda sighs in relief and Danny bolts forward to catch them and lift them up high into the air.  
I look past my family to Melissa, but she doesn't look at me. Her eyes are fixed on my brother and his sons, laughing and swirling through the air, and for a moment I'm afraid she might start crying again, haunted by memories. But her face glows with happiness, and her smile is even more radiant as Linda's as she sees the scene.  
When finally she turns to me she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and my lips almost hurt because I'm grinning like an idiot.  
I nod her to come closer but she shakes her head and waves, ready to leave us now she knows Jack and Sean are fine.  
The thought of her leaving is worse than I expected.

"Melissa? Thank you so much for your help!"  
Thank God for Linda. She quickly walks after Melissa, grabbing both her hands as she turns around.  
"Thank you so much."  
"Anytime" Melissa answers, and then, "or rather – it shouldn't happen anytime, but…"  
Linda laughs. "I know what you mean."  
Then she turns to me, still holding Melissa's hands. "How do you two know each other?"

I should have seen that question coming all along.  
I still can't tell Danny who she is, even though he knows I haven't deleted Melissa's number, I'm not sure he's accepted it, and in any case he will not like the thought that I made friends with her.  
I wish I could tell Melissa why I can't be honest, but Linda's eyes pierce me, and from the corner of my eye I can see Danny and the boys stop moving to hear my answer. There's no time so I say the only thing that makes sense: "From Harvard."

Melissa's eyes widen, but fortunately the others don't notice it. Danny smirks. "I see. Clever kids altogether." If only he knew.  
I do my best to smile with him while feeling her eyes on me, betrayed and confused. But as I look at her I realize that this feeling was erred, since Melissa doesn't look at me at all. She looks down on Linda's hands holding hers, then gently winds loose of the grip.  
"Yes" she says with a smile I know by now is fake, "but I studied history so it was rather a cafeteria-friendship. I never understood any word he said about the stuff he was learning."  
I swallow, fully knowing what she means with "I never understood". How could she understand this? And still she helps me – giving me full coverage and, by mentioning that we hadn't the same subject and therefore didn't live on the same side of the campus, explaining why my family never saw her when they came visiting, or why I never talked about her.  
"History?" Danny frowns, but his eyes are free of the contempt I always thought to see when he was talking about my study. She helped him find his children, after all.  
"I'm sorry, but besides being a smartass what do you do after studying history?"

Yes. Welcome to my brother's way of being interested. I dare not look at her, so instead I turn to my nephews to hug them. "You're okay?"  
They nod, but I can see the guilt in Jack's eyes. "What's wrong?"  
He shrugs. "Nothing."  
"Come on, Jack, I may have been a lousy uncle but that doesn't mean I don't know you!"  
He smiles and immediately bites his lips to stop it. The matter he's chewing on is too grave for smiling, obviously.  
"I was an even lousier brother than you were an uncle" he whispers finally.

I let go of Sean, shoving him gently in Linda's direction. Obediently and happy he runs into her arms.  
"Why do you think that, Jack?"  
"Because… we ran away. And after a moment I realized that you weren't following us… and that's okay, uncle Jamie, really, I saw you were talking to dad. Sean didn't look back. I should have stopped then. I should have stayed in eye sight, or ear sight, but I didn't. It's my fault we got lost. And we hadn't found Melissa, Sean... he could have got hurt. Or we could have starved to death, all because of me." He bows his head even deeper in shame.  
"Jack" I put a hand on his shoulder, feeling strangely reminded of when I was a kid myself, and Danny felt he had done something wrong with us. Like father, like son.  
"You did nothing wrong. You were expecting me to come after you, and I thought I would very soon, and then… there's no one to blame. And you and Sean would never starve, okay? If we hadn't found you very soon, we'd have called for backup, and we'd have searched the whole wood till we got you. You did nothing wrong. Actually you were very brave, and smart. Going to a stranger and asking for help is not an easy thing to do, is it? And you remembered the number. That's something not many kids would have managed in this situation." And as I see Jack's face lighting up a bit I tell him the magical words I so often said to Danny, and to Joe – I just hope that he always kept them in mind -: "You're a very good big brother."

**Melissa  
**The odd thing is I don't feel nervous. I was, I was really nervous to see Jamie's brother and sister-in-law, and I would gladly have disappeared, but ever since Jamie said we knew each other from Harvard – it's as if I'm an actress on a show, just playing my role. I don't know what happened, or why it happened exactly. I tried to find a reason for him lying about me, one that didn't sound paranoid, but I found none, and I don't have much time to think about it. Here comes my next keyword.

"I'm sorry, but besides being a smartass what do you do after studying history?"  
"Well… for some people, being a smartass is fully enough for a living." I smile at Danny, letting him know that I'm okay with his making fun of my, well, life. Most of.  
"It's what my family's always done. Six generations, all gone to Harvard, studying history. And I asked myself the same question so I started with" I make a dramatic pause "art."

Detective Reagan really tries to keep his face earnest, but he can't, and it makes me laugh. I feel free somehow, free and superior in a way I know I shouldn't feel. I don't want to be arrogant to him just because his little brother… I don't know what he's done. But hurting Danny is no way a way to cope with it.  
"I can't tell you what studying art is for, except if you 're really, really good" I say, more earnestly, and looking at Linda now who has Sean in her arms. The sight of this little boy, laughing already though he had just lost his family, grounds me. Whoever Jamie wants them to see in me I have to believe he's had a reason.  
"Or being a teacher. Which is what I meant to do with my study of history."  
There. I said it. For the first time I said it aloud, quickly and without thinking. My grandpa was explorer, he spent half his life in Europe, looking for the ruins of Troy and other cities. He died close to the relicts of Pompeii. My mom was a traveler, too, but after I was born she decided to settle down and came back to Washington, where my dad worked as a university professor and looked after Alec. I've always admired my brother for forgiving mom so easily that she let him alone for four years till she returned to him – and then she hadn't much time for him either, with the new baby she had. I guess if I was Alec, I'd hate both of them – mom and little sister. But he's the best big brother anyone can have, despite everything Jamie says about his two brothers.

We moved to New York when I was fifteen, and there in high school I realized that this was what I wanted to do: I wanted to help other people understand what the past times mean for us, what we can and must learn from history. I wanted to show them all the beautiful things mankind had done and found and experienced and I didn't want to do this for adults. I wanted to work with children, with teenagers – with people who still had the power to react to what they learn, and to simply do it. Make the world better.  
People like Sean, looking at me with shining eyes.

"Okay." Danny seems convinced. "That kind of makes sense."  
I smile again, I really feel comfortable around these people. As long as I don't look at Jamie, that is.  
"Kind of?"  
"Ignore that" Linda says, laughing, "he's always cautious when it comes down to school and learning."  
"Hey!" But he laughs too, now and kisses her. They're happy.

Jamie said they were but it's a different thing seeing it now. Teasing, kissing, telling jokes only they understand. They're like my parents.

"So" Linda moves closer to me again, "what are your plans for this day? Will you be watching the fireworks from here, too?"  
I nod.  
"Can you come with us?" Sean asks and I almost automatically back away. Linda notices it and quickly adds, "you don't have to, really. This is a special day for everyone and you should…"  
"I think that's a good idea, Sean" Danny interrupts, obviously not aware of my reluctance. "I'd say we six go and have some dinner somewhere, for thanking the lady who found my sons" he winks at me, "and then we'll meet up with dad and grandpa and watch the fireworks. There's still loads of time."  
"Danny" Linda warns calmly, but her look is so stern that eventually his smile fades. He nods towards Jamie and frowns, but Linda only shakes her head. I don't really understand what they're talking about right now, but I know that I definitely won't come with them.

"Sorry" I say, "and thank you so much for the offer, but… there's no thanks necessary, really, and I… I…" I bite my lips, trying to find an excuse.  
"You don't wanna come with us" Sean says sullenly, and I feel guilty at once.

Jamie looks up. "Come where?"  
I swallow. "I want to, Sean, really, but…" _But your uncle told a lie about me so I guess he doesn't want me to go. _  
I close my eyes. There's only one excuse popping into my mind, and it's an ugly and false one, and I know that it will make me cry again.

"I promised to watch it with my parents. We'll meet up in an hour for dinner, and since we're in the middle of the park right now… I better make a run for it. But it was a pleasure meeting you, Sean, no matter how dark the circumstances. And you too, Jack. You're a brave young man." I look into his eyes calmly and wait till I see the acceptance in them, only then I turn back to Linda and Danny. "And of course it was a pleasure meeting you too" I say quickly and then I start jogging away.

"Melissa!" Jamie calls after me, his voice stricken with guilt, so much that I wonder how he'll explain that to Danny.  
"Bye, Jamie" I call back and keep fleeing.


	15. You will be mine

_I guess I trapped myself with using Melissa Samuels for two stories… I have to admit, I didn't expect this story to end that way, but I now realize that it must and it makes more sense than anything else I had planned.  
Thanks so much to _riowolf_ for opening my eyes on that matter, and now on we go! Let's get them to where they belong… sooner or later… *evil grin*_

**Melissa  
**I run till my lungs burn, till I can see my breath coming out in fire and blood – or at least I wish it would do. I wish it would consume me and kill me, and bring me back to my family, to people who love me!  
Stupid girl. You always knew where this was leading to. Yes, I was. Especially after that night. After Jamie Reagan opened his heart for me on my couch, sitting so close to me. He was like a child then, just like a child, caught in bad memories and bad dreams, and fear of the world with all its ice… Iwas there for him. In that moment I was the only one to save him.  
In that moment I was the most important person on this earth. I saved him.  
I protected him in the dark and led him back to the light, and now he's too ashamed to tell the truth about me!

Can I be that crazy? I felt so normal when Jamie was around. And when Jack and Sean came to me and were just as afraid and lost as Jamie had been, I knew I had to save them, too.  
And it felt good. It felt good because they needed me and I could be there for them. I love these boys, love them with all my heart just like I love Jamie.

Oh well. I said it. Said it aloud into the summer air, and who cares? I love him.  
I love Jamie Reagan, and when I saw him today, when he saw me crushing through the forest with his nephews on my side – that was love in his eyes, too.  
I am blessed. Alone and confused as I am now, I am blessed.  
Jamison Reagan loves me.

I don't watch the firework that night, I dance through the streets. My anger is still there, I feel it burning underneath the smooth blanket that is called love, but I manage to keep it at bay. I'm a Samuels. I can wait for when Jamie's ready.  
After all, I know Danny. I know how he is. He would never accept his baby brother loving a victim, left alone a crazy one!  
And honestly, I can't blame him. He wants the same as I do, he wants, he needs Jamie to be happy.

He has suffered enough.

I know about his mother and Joe, but he didn't really say much about his fiancée. Just that she couldn't stand his being a cop and left for good, and that he let go of her.  
That bitch broke his heart. I will never let this happen again.  
I'm a Samuels, and if nothing else, we know how to fight. I will not let Jamie down, I will not seen him suffer again.  
If he's not ready yet, that's fine. I can live with that. He did so much for me.

I owe him to wait.

In the end I do see the fireworks on TV, in my house. I'm not afraid anymore.  
I'm back. I'm Melissa Samuels, and I'm alive, and young, and beautiful, and I am so in love that I feel as if I can fly. And it's not only being in love.  
It's love. Pure and simple.

I love everything about Jamie Reagan. I love his eyes and his face, and his hands, his body… I love the fact he went to Harvard for his mother and then to the academy to be who he's meant to be now.  
I love the way he believed in me from the first moment on, and how he looked at me when we came out of the woods.  
Hell, I even love my going-to-be-brother-in-law. And I adore my nephews.

I'm not crazy anymore. I never believed in miracles or destiny, but I feel it now.

We are meant to be together.

"Thank you" I whisper up to my parents, "thanks for keeping me here to wait. I understand it now."  
And I do. I know why I'm still alive.  
I need to be alive for Jamie.

Jamie  
I text Melissa as soon as we meet dad and grandpa. For a moment they're all busy with greeting and telling their story so I'm unwatched for once.  
_I'm sorry! I didn't want Danny to believe you're_… I delete the words. _Crazy_?  
Do I really want to write this?  
_I'm sorry. It's complicated_… yeah. That's about as helpful as _I love you too much to stand in your way_.

_I'm sorry. Please let me explain!  
_Not perfect either but I send it anyway. I've got not too much time.  
We spend the evening as always, and for the third time in my life I can't enjoy it. The other times where after mom and Joe died.

I stop checking my cell after Sean giggles, watching me. It's stupid. I should just pass by tomorrow and see if everything's okay.  
I wonder if it would be better if the sergeant comes with me or not.

The next day, however, there is no more time for thinking.  
_He is here right now! M_

I turn around and run.

**Melissa**  
I fall asleep on the floor in my bathroom, and embarrassing as this is, it saves my life. It lies directly above the entrance door so I wake up when it is opened. With a key.  
It's him. The "him" that turns my stomach into ice.

I switched my cell off yesterday when I was angry, I wanted to be alone. Now I switch it on to see three messages. Jamie.  
He will come. He will save me – just as I saved him that night.

For a moment I feel safe. Then down in the living room, glass breaks.  
My pictures. He's destroying my pictures. My hands shake as I type down an answer.

Jamie's here in five minutes. When I hear him storming through the open door I run down the stairs.

Alec. For one moment I forget everything, even Jamie.  
Alec. It can't be him. It can't be my brother, not, not him, please… what…

"My brother" I gasp, and my voice sounds lost again, "my own brother?"

I don't realize Jamie's arms around me till I feel his lips on my ear, so close, so soft. "It's okay" he says, loud, excited himself. "It's okay, I got him."  
And okay it is. I close my eyes and relax, I'm flying again.

**Jamie**  
For a moment I fear Melissa faints in my arms, I couldn't blame her. I didn't know she had a brother, but the mere thought of Danny… no. If I couldn't trust my own family… whom on earth could I trust? What would it all be for?

After some minutes I slowly let go of Melissa. She's still shaken but manages to stand alone. I can't interpret the look in her eyes.

"Thank you" she whispers eventually.  
" I've only done my job" I answer automatically.

She looks up suddenly, trying to read my face. I see her coming to a conclusion.  
"Okay" she even smiles.  
I'm relieved, relieved I came in time to save her, relieved she's come back to reality, relieved she isn't angry.  
"Melissa, I'm sorry because of yesterday, I…"  
"No, it's okay." She's still very pale, but as I reach out to steady her she backs away. "I'm okay" she says, "I will be. Thank you for saving my life, Jamie." The smile she throws at me is still beautiful, but I'm not sure I should leave her alone now.  
And I know that there is nobody I could call.

"Do you want me to stay for a while? I can call Renzulli to pick him up."

**Melissa**  
Him. My brother. The last one I thought I could rely on, my best and oldest friend. My protector.  
No, that's not true. It wasn't Alec who protected me. Jamie protected me, he saved me.  
He is all I have.

But now is not the time, I understand that.  
_I've only done my job._  
He's still a cop, and I can't be a victim anymore if I want to be with him. I need to get a life, a job, something he can be proud of. Something Danny will accept.

It will take some time, but I will make it. I will be the woman Jamie deserves, and then we'll be happy. I will see Jack and Sean again, I miss them already. And I can't wait to see Nicky.  
I can't wait to feel my own baby moving in my belly, can't wait to see it.

I thought I was cursed but I am blessed. I will have the most wonderful life anyone ever had. I will heal Jamie.

"No, thanks" I say, gently, but fiercely. I need him to go now, need him to understand that he can't worry about me now. We need some time. I have to be strong and endure being apart from him, for a little more time.

"I think I need some time now, I need to think about… everything. I'm going to be okay." I smile at him again, and finally he gets the hint, pulls up Alec who is still unconscious, and walks towards the door.  
"If you need anything, you can always call me" he says gently. Looking into his eyes so lovingly, so filled with passion almost makes me forget about my plan. I need to kiss him now, but –  
I can't. I have to be patient now, I have to wait. I have to do this right.

"I know" I say smiling, "thank you. I will."  
He looks at me for a long time, then leaves.  
I close the door behind him, now finally crying with relief and sadness at the same time.

"It's going to be okay" I say to myself, and to Jamie, though he can't hear it anymore, "we'll be together again. I will never stop loving you, and I know you will be true to me as well. It will be okay, it will wonderful. You will be mine."


End file.
